McSweeney’s New Food page is a culinary and literary delight.
Submitted by Eric Smith
I hate you Swiss chard. Oh, how I hate you. I have hated you ever since I figured out why dumpsters smell like dumpsters. It’s because of you. I always thought they took on that characteristic stench because long years of bad garbage odors combined together in an unholy stew that for some reason always smelled the same. Kind of like how mixing lots of different paint colors always gives you brown. But no, it turns out that they smell exactly like you did two days after I brought you home from the grocery store. So it was you all along. Screw you, Swiss chard. [Snip]
Submitted by Ellia Bisker
If you’ve ever idly wondered what it might be like to eat a human eyeball, you might want to consider the litchi as a delicious (and more socially appropriate) alternative. Here is how to eat a litchi. Stick your thumbnail into the base of the stem and pull back slightly until the stem releases, then peel away the papery skin in a thin spiral strip. About this skin: it is covered with small rosy hexagonal scales, like the drupelets of a raspberry with some reptile in its family tree. You will expose a slippery globe of translucent white flesh about the size of a pingpong ball. Stop peeling about halfway down, because here comes the part you have been waiting for: press your lips to the perfectly smooth fruit, apply a little suction, and with a wet, satisfying plop, it will suddenly pop into your mouth, luscious, fragrant as nectar. Imagine that it’s the eye of your lover, or your nemesis. It’s just that good.