Blagojevich story generator. (Bee eSS Generator for short)
Just pick one item from each section to generate a typical Rod Blagojevich story.
For brevity, you can just write your story as a string of the resulting numbers.
Today Governor Blagojevich’s office announced a
1 new program
2 variation on a previously proposed program
3 impotent condemnation of the Federal government over policy
4 sympathetic “me-too” press statement riding the tail of a national issue
5 new lawsuit
6 no-bid contract for a friend
7 re-named version of a previous governor’s program
that met with
1 skepticism from the General Assembly over implementation
2 howls of derision from members of his own party
3 non-committal responses from state leadership
4 a call for his impeachment by Jack Franks
5 complaints of unfunded mandates and frivolous expense by civic/business groups
6 unanswered questions about accountability from experts in the field
His new idea is to provide:
1 free healthcare for pets
2 singing lessons to Miley Cyrus
3 free trips out of the country for anyone who is of Syrian extraction or named Madigan
4 generous retirement plans for prosecuting attorneys and judges
Blagojevich said there would be enough money for all the programs he proposes and to pay off the state deficit by way of:
1 GRT tax
2 a value-added tax on general revenue
3 a previously rejected funding plan
4 just not looking too closely at the books
5 a truckload of new gambling expansion
6 auctioning off everything not nailed down
7 a TRG tax
8 removing “corporate loopholes”… in campaign funding restrictions
.
The governor, thru a spokesperson, dodged questions about
1 a current racketeering investigation in which his name is prominent
2 a lack of detail on the implementation of the new initiative
3 the absence of funding mechanism for the proposal
4 the fact that insiders and campaign contributors would be involved
5 a new law suit / counter-suit
6 a previous, related suit of his being dismissed as frivolous or without merit
7 his taxes
.
Later, on his way
1 to a fundraiser
2 from a fundraiser
3 to his home
4 to a Hannah Montana concert
5 to a Cubs game
6 to a Hawks game
7 to an intramural Jai ali contest
8 to Winston & Strawn
9 from something that most definitely was NOT a fundraiser
the governor was accosted by reporters demanding an explanation. The governor
1 ducked into his state airplane
2 ducked into a black Suburban
3 gathered a protective ring of schoolchildren from a passing field trip
4 began quoting 1970’s Cubs batting averages
5 demonstrated his recall of state area codes
6 blamed George Ryan for everything
7 said whatever it was, he didn’t do it, unless it was for “the people”
8 reminded everyone he got bad grades in school
9 blamed Mike Madigan for not doing enough
10 asked Emil Jones to run block for him and ran for the sidelines
11 told the elephant struck by lightning/ boy digging in horse stall story
and reiterated that he was:
1 the son of immigrants
2 the son-in-law of a powerful Chicago alderman
3 a man of the people
4 not a big reader or mathematician
5 not a “process” guy
6 not wearing lifts
7 not yet indicted
8 not using “just for men”
and that details would be
1 forthcoming from a press aide
2 forthcoming from private lawyers on state payroll
3 open to negotiation, if he felt like it
4 something Lon and those guys would take care of
5 George Ryan’s fault
.
A spokesperson for the governor clarified his comments by saying:
1 we don’t do business that way
2 we never knew this was going on
3 we were always in the forefront of preventing/promoting this exact kind of thing
4 we have never heard of this person (or organization)
5 this was something that was done by low level-underlings
6 accused is not indicted
7 indicted is not convicted
8 convicted means nothing until after an appeal
9 this is all a plot by Madigan
10 we will study the issue and appoint a task force headed by a relative or friend
11 it was an “up” day
- S. Illinois - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 9:53 am:
Absolute brilliance!
- K to the 3 - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:06 am:
I have not laughed that hard in months….there were tears
- Plutocrat03 - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:08 am:
brilliant
- BannedForLife - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:11 am:
wow!
when you read this it makes you realize how every day is groundhog day
- Arthur Andersen - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:12 am:
I’m reluctant to even suggest one change to such a magnificent and hilarious piece of work. In the event they do release Bee eSS 2.0, the phrase “ferret out wrongdoing” should considered, and possibly “John Filan is going to tell you how were going to pay for this.”
- wordslinger - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:14 am:
Well done. Deserves to stand on its own.
- VivaLFuego - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:16 am:
Heh.
- lifer - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:17 am:
Great but add one that says he is not the mayor of Chicago
- the Patriot - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:20 am:
Ironically, had he been smart enough to use codes like this, he wouldn’t be in such hot water. We probably should add:
Patrick Fitzgerald provied the following options to the Governor’s office.
1. 20 to life.
2. Flight to a country of non extradition.
3. Roll on Daley and the Chicago Machine.
4. Plead insanity (I think I would buy it).
5. Breath right strips to Stop George’s Ryans snoring in exchange for resignation.
6. Lifetime supply of Soap on a rope in exchange for plea deal.
- He Makes Ryan Look Like a Saint - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:24 am:
This was one of the Best I have seen on any blog.
- Springfield Alum - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:25 am:
It was nice of the Spin Sisters to share their press release toolkit with you, Rich.
- Ghost - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:27 am:
lol can’t add anything to such perfection.
- Garp - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:29 am:
Solving the riddle of Blogo is no small feat. The primer is appreciated.
- SouthSide Mike - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:33 am:
I wish I knew who wrote this. Whoever he/she is, they need special recognition at this December’s Capitol Fax Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Winter Solistice/Holiday/New Year party.
Bravo.
- Bluefish - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:37 am:
An instant classic.
- Little Egypt - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:43 am:
Cost of moving IDOT Traffic Safety to Southern Illinois - $1 million; cost of a gallon of gas as of 10:30 a.m. 5-8-08 - $3.77; cost of obtaining copy of Cliff Notes for press releases from Abby & Rebecca - PRICELESS.
- OneMan - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:45 am:
A spokesperson for the governor clarified his comments by saying:
12 Incarcerated does not mean he can’t still do his job
the governor was accosted by reporters demanding an explanation. The governor
12 Exited via the Kitchen
13 Exited via a window in the mens room
14 Exited with a cloud of dust and a mighty ‘Hi-Ho Silver away’
Later, on his way
11 to Hannah Montana Day at Wrigley Field
12 to Cuba
13 to go for a jog
Blagojevich said there would be enough money for all the programs he proposes and to pay off the state deficit by way of:
Leasing the lottery to the state toll highway authority
Selling Southern Illinois to Missouri
Selling naming rights to various state assets
Drilling for oil at starved rock
New promotional deal with the Hairclub for Men
- Bill - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:52 am:
OK, who leaked the internal policy manual?
- Little Egypt - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:53 am:
Bill, I’d like to think it was Abby and Rebecca.
- one more - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 11:11 am:
The Governor’s office did not return repeated phone calls.
- Six Degrees of Separation - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 11:26 am:
New ideas:
Free meals on the CTA for the homeless. Solves the food and shelter problem all at once.
All-Glasses, to give every IL citizen a set of free eyeglasses whether they need them or not.
All-Hair, to restore to the follically-challenged
males of IL a mane worthy of the Governor’s hairbrush.
Funding source:
Fund sweep of all non-essential state services like corrections, transportation, state police, IEMA, IDNR, and any state office south of 137th street, north of Touhy Avenue and west of Central Avenue.
- Don't Worry, Be Happy - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 12:00 pm:
One edit:
The governor, thru a spokesperson who responded by email, dodged questions about
- Levois - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 12:03 pm:
Quick someone make a website and make a software program out of this!
- 32nd Ward Roscoe Village - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 12:45 pm:
that met with:
howls of “where’s the beef” from Mayor Daley
reiterated that:
there’s no governor’s school he could go to.
- Addenda - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 12:46 pm:
Addenda
A spokesperson for the governor clarified his comments by saying:
There are no laws that prevent Governor Blagojevich from running our big state from the BIG HOUSE.
If there are, we do not acknowledge them.
- Vote Quimby - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 2:09 pm:
Excellent and thanks for the laughs!
Instead of a governor’s school, can candidates just use this administration as a case study in how NOT to govern?
- SuperDave - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 2:38 pm:
This is the quintessential biography of the entire time he’s pretended to serve as Governor. The only thing that would have made it whole was his repeated story of how some little girl thought he was Mayor Daley.
- Amuzing Myself - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 2:59 pm:
Excellent! Too funny and sad at the same time.
- He Makes Ryan Look Like a Saint - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 4:07 pm:
Rich, You have got to get this to Abby and the girls!
- Little Egypt - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 4:15 pm:
Oh I’m pretty sure Spinsisters have read and re-read this one, I’m guessing about 10 a.m., if not a couple of minutes sooner. I’m betting at least one computer in the Gov’s office is always on this blog.
- anon A - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 4:55 pm:
this is too funny. I can’t wait to show people at the office tomorrow.
- Kevin Highland - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 8:56 pm:
Levois asked for it..so here it is…. http://www.casa-loco.net/BS-Generator.php
Just hit your refresh button for a new story!
- Gregor - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:03 pm:
I held up my bic lighter and waved it while reading.
Love the instant web app, it has a few glitches where a paragraph drops out, but you still get the flavor. I’m sure its just a typo, but it is extra funny that instead of a grammatical mark, it inserts a trademark TM symbol after Blago’s name. Like he inserts his name on everything that’s not in motion.
Suggested addition:
The spokespersons said details:
-would be available later in the FBI’s transcripts
-would be available in exchange for a “special” birthday card
- hmmmm - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:05 pm:
If only this could fit on a t-shirt, Rich, you could afford gas for your boat this summer.
- next one - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:13 pm:
Next one should be a group effort QOTD when it comes time to do a “Federal Edition”.
- Anon B - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:15 pm:
Honor is due. Absolute perfection.
- Anonymous - Thursday, May 8, 08 @ 10:33 pm:
This should be published in every newspaper in Illinois…it’s great and so true!
- romeosatan - Monday, May 12, 08 @ 2:28 pm:
They left out:
Later on his way to a “religious revival worship ceremony with Emil Jones at a black south-side church”.