Actual blow-by-blow coverage of the Tribune debate between Bruce “The Champ” Rauner and Jeanne “The Killer” Ives:
“And a left and a right and a right jab that’s taken the Champ’s shoulder off. And here’s the Killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there’s a gaping hole right through the Champ’s body now.
And now the Killer’s working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head’s coming loose. The Champ must try and keep his head on. The Killer’s kicked him in the groin and he’s bitten half his left buttock off and the referee’s stepped in with a warning there. What a plucky fighter this Champ is. He’s fighting as well as I’ve ever seen him. Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now. It’s everywhere. Certainly those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money’s worth. They’re covered in it.
And his head’s off! His head that’s come off in so many fights is off in the thirty-first second. It’s rolled away down to the left … but what’s happening? The Killer’s being talked to by the referee. There’s the Champ … plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent. And the Killer has been disqualified. She’s been disqualfied … this great fighter who has killed more than twenty people in her career has at last been defeated by this courageous headless little southpaw from Winnetka. And there’s a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new Illinois Republican Champion. What a pity the rest of his body wasn’t there to see it.”
“I’m just going to stand here with my hands in my pockets, real quiet like, and try to cover this portrait so Abe does not see where his Party has gotten to.”
Abe Lincoln look on sadly while Governor Mayhem and his challenger engage in a test of wills and grip strength. Ives is rumored to have whispered “Uncomfortable, Bruce? Wait until the election”.
At a tronc edit board “debate” with Katrina and Kass, featuring Rauner and Ives, the coolest guy in the room is the slacker with a t-shirt over a long shirt.
Seriously, so Nirvana cool. Now I’ve seen everthing.
- CatAttack - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:33 pm:
At least the Trib finally has the right number of microphones for a session…
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:37 pm:
“Sit down Bruce, I’ll tell you when I’m done”
- friendofthedevil - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:37 pm:
“I don’t know if you have a family or not…”
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:37 pm:
“Dan and Matt are still upset you broke your word. I’m here to remind you.”
- TominChicago - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:38 pm:
He’s not even in charge of the handshake.
- Ben Gazzara - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:38 pm:
“Frankenstein say hi.”
“Oh, likewise I’m sure.”
(I know it’s dumb. It made me chuckle though.)
- DuPage Bard - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:39 pm:
This is an awesome set up just perfect for grilling tall white meat.
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:39 pm:
“Tillman told me to tell you that choices have consequences…“
- Spliff - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:39 pm:
nope … don’t want to get banned for life.
Let the games begin!
- Responsa - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:40 pm:
This is how my female cat bats paws when annoyed with her brother
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:41 pm:
“There’s not going to be no pardon from no governor, Bruce”
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:42 pm:
“I’ll take it from here, Bruce”
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:42 pm:
“Sit down, Bruce, I ain’t Pat Quinn”
- Ducky LaMoore - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:44 pm:
“Excuse me while I embarrass you… and then myself.” Such wonderful options for the GOP….
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:44 pm:
“You shoulda just ran as a Democrat angry at labor, Bruce… “
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:45 pm:
“Costumes won’t protect you here, Bruce… “
- Arthur Andersen - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:47 pm:
“You can let go of my hand now, Jeanne.”
- dbk - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:48 pm:
–Everybody looks happy to be there–
Assuming we’re being invited to riff off this: “Coulda fooled me.”
- BucknIrish - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:49 pm:
Jeanne Badger don’t care, Jeanne Badger don’t give a sh*&.
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:49 pm:
“Oh Bruce, you thought poison ivy was bad, wait til I give ya a case of poison Ives… “
“Ok, Jeanne. Whatever.”
- Oswego Willy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:52 pm:
Dolores Umbridge debates Quirinus Quirrell on the Defense of the Dark Arts Curriculum
- Say What? - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:57 pm:
“Don’t you all feel sorry that Abe Lincoln’s portrait has to witness this?”
- Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 1:58 pm:
“Maybe another Katrina would get me out of this,” Rauner thought.
- Keyrock - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:00 pm:
“I blame Madigan for this.”
- Steward As Well.... - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:04 pm:
“Ready for your beat down Governor”
- Boone's is Back - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:05 pm:
“Is it too late for me to go back to Quincy?”
- Lefty Lefty - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:08 pm:
Ranked from “geez what am I doing here?” to “I’d rather be getting a colonoscopy”:
4) Young man underdressed
3) Young woman admiring her handbag
2) Ives
1) Rauner
- Henry Francis - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:14 pm:
Bruce, you can tell your muscle behind you to relax. I’m not Madigan.
- DuPage - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:17 pm:
How much for you to go away?
- The Way I See It - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:18 pm:
Did the guy on the left get lost on the way to the gym?
- A guy - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:20 pm:
That’s a firm handshake Representative.
Just the beginning Governor…
- JoanP - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:20 pm:
“Eeewww, cooties!”
(Your choice as to who’s thinking that.)
- @misterjayem - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:36 pm:
After months of Rauner looking past Ives, Ives looks past Rauner.
– MrJM
- Commonsense in Illinois - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 2:48 pm:
For those of you of a certain age…
A handshake instead of a kiss…what’s wrong?
- Rutro - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 3:01 pm:
and Lincoln wept.
- Publiue - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 3:37 pm:
“Is that water from Quincy governor”?
- 47th Ward - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 3:42 pm:
Actual blow-by-blow coverage of the Tribune debate between Bruce “The Champ” Rauner and Jeanne “The Killer” Ives:
“And a left and a right and a right jab that’s taken the Champ’s shoulder off. And here’s the Killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there’s a gaping hole right through the Champ’s body now.
And now the Killer’s working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head’s coming loose. The Champ must try and keep his head on. The Killer’s kicked him in the groin and he’s bitten half his left buttock off and the referee’s stepped in with a warning there. What a plucky fighter this Champ is. He’s fighting as well as I’ve ever seen him. Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now. It’s everywhere. Certainly those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money’s worth. They’re covered in it.
And his head’s off! His head that’s come off in so many fights is off in the thirty-first second. It’s rolled away down to the left … but what’s happening? The Killer’s being talked to by the referee. There’s the Champ … plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent. And the Killer has been disqualified. She’s been disqualfied … this great fighter who has killed more than twenty people in her career has at last been defeated by this courageous headless little southpaw from Winnetka. And there’s a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new Illinois Republican Champion. What a pity the rest of his body wasn’t there to see it.”
- Anonymous - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 3:52 pm:
Seriously, he looks pale and gaunt next to her. Did he drink the water in Quincy and come down with something?
- downstate commisssioner - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 3:52 pm:
Sorry, anon at 3:52 was me.
- A Non - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 4:12 pm:
“Mike Madigan and the Jeanne Ives he controls.”
- I Miss Bentohs - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 4:16 pm:
“I’m just going to stand here with my hands in my pockets, real quiet like, and try to cover this portrait so Abe does not see where his Party has gotten to.”
- rivvedup - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 7:39 pm:
Abe Lincoln look on sadly while Governor Mayhem and his challenger engage in a test of wills and grip strength. Ives is rumored to have whispered “Uncomfortable, Bruce? Wait until the election”.
- Anonymous - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 8:00 pm:
At a tronc edit board “debate” with Katrina and Kass, featuring Rauner and Ives, the coolest guy in the room is the slacker with a t-shirt over a long shirt.
Seriously, so Nirvana cool. Now I’ve seen everthing.
- VanillaMan - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 8:30 pm:
So, how was the Governor’s lunch, Rep. Ives?
I bet it was full of balogna.
- Streator Curmudgeon - Monday, Jan 29, 18 @ 10:04 pm:
For my money, it’s Ben Gazzara at 1:38. Made me LOL.
- Rabid - Tuesday, Jan 30, 18 @ 8:09 am:
Dianna let you off the porch
- Christopher - Tuesday, Jan 30, 18 @ 8:24 am:
This is how you swing your opponent, do-si-do, and promenade all around answering the questions.