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As I wrote a few minutes ago, the governor has a “truly marvelous political ability to be absolutely shameless when he’s making stuff up.”
Since it’s a Friday before a long holiday weekend, let’s lighten things up a little.
Imagine the governor in various everyday situations/confrontations that normal people face and then imagine what excuses he would use. Be as creative as possible.
posted by Rich Miller
Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 9:18 am
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Previous Post: Yet another bad day for the governor
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Would you like fries with that, sir?
Yes, and a supersize diet coke. But because I have changed business as usual at McDonald’s, the combo meal is now the same price as the burger alone, so I don’t have to pay any extra. Of course, after I leave office the roof of your restaurant will fall in, the parking lot will have sinkholes, and my kids’ happy meal will cost $47.
Comment by 919am Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 9:24 am
The Governor announced today-before throwing out the first pitch at the Cubs-Sox game that he is a Cub fan, however, his wife has always been partial to the White Sox. He noted he is a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals and feels a special affinity for them when he is in Southern Illinois. The Milwaukee Brewers tug at his heart
strings whenever he is visiting the far Northeastern parts of the state.
Comment by Garp Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 9:43 am
Blago standing in line at the DMV (who is also standing behind Jesse White, who is standing in line behind Dan Rutherford). “Excuse me, my helicopter is idling out in the parking lot, can we please move along?”
Comment by 105th Blues Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 9:55 am
Cust. Service Operator: I’m sorry sir, but the late fee you incurred is because you paid your bill late last month by 29 days and the rate increase kicked in automatically as stated in your cardholder agreement.
Governor: But you don’t understand. I didn’t pay the bill late, I’m actually changing the way we pay our bills here at the Blagojevich house. We used to use the old bad way, but now we pay the bills the new way. Can you please just waive the late fee for me this one time?
Cust. Service: Sorry sir, your records indicate that you had us waive the late fee twice already this year and made that same request again last month. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Governor: When a hard-working family is struggling to make ends meet and to care for their children and keep a roof over their heads, they shouldn’t have to pay these high interest rates to big bad banks for corporate profits. That’s not right.
Cust. Service: Are you struggling to keep a roof over your head?
Governor: Well, um - that’s not the point. My point is that you shouldn’t be putting corporate profits over my family’s well being. That’s not right. Did I tell you yet that I was a C student?
Cust. Service: Yes, sir you told me that because I was an A student and you were a C student I could be President. I actually find that quite insulting because I worked hard to get where I am, my father-in-law didn’t get me into Congress. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Governor: I can’t believe you brought up my personal life. I’m breathless after that last comment, I honestly can’t breathe. I can’t believe you.
Comment by Goodbye Napoleon Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:01 am
“Sorry I’m late for work. I had a fundraiser with Ted Kennedy on the EL”.
Comment by ThePiper Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:02 am
Fran, I was drunk as hell when I said that.
Comment by Pat Hickey Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:07 am
About to get a traffic ticket -
“You know officer I have just now added a $100 line item into my budget for a ’special police officer recreation fund’ and you are the police department representative for this special occasion.”
Comment by anon Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:15 am
Best QotD answers ever.
Comment by Go JBT Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:35 am
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Rod: No I didn’t. Honest… I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
[Brad covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Rod removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]
Mystery Woman: Oh, Rod… Rod, honey…
[Rod embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]
Rod: [to Brad] Let’s go.
[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
Brad: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.
Comment by Phocion Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:40 am
Rich, next week you’re going to invite people to make up JBT’s excuses for being a Bush supporter in the cult of W, aka the GOP. Only fair, right?
Comment by Carl Nyberg Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:45 am
Blagojevich Press Release Spoof:
Governor Proposes Landmark Election Year Legislation
for State Payment of Voters’ Consumer Debts
CHICAGO (RPI) Surrounded by citizens, lawmakers and advocates, Governor Rod R. Blagojevich today proposed the landmark “ALL DEBTS†consumer debt relief program, making Illinois the first state in the nation to pay off credit card debt incurred by registered voters.
Under the ALL DEBTS Program, state funds will be used to pay up to $25,000 in credit card debt for each registered Illinois voter. By transferring the debt to the State of Illinois, the voter is released to overspend again. This in turn will stimulate the economy, create jobs and expand the tax base, thereby making the ALL DEBTS Program revenue neutral for the state over the long term. Voters may enroll in ALL DEBTS immediately through a simple on-line form, and begin enjoying debt relief when the plan goes into effect on July 1, 2006.
“Today marks a major achievement for Illinois families who are doing everything they’re supposed to do – working hard, paying their taxes, raising their families – but still get bogged down in credit card debt. It’s not their fault that new HDTV’s, iPods, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances are expensive. Now Illinois voters can go to work ready to follow in their parents footsteps, pursuing the American dream,†said Gov. Blagojevich.
When asked to identify sources for initial financing of the ALL DEBTS plan, the Governor unveiled a bold new multi-step program to serve the people through use of state property. Under the new plan, all state parks in Illinois will be sold to developers to raise initial funds for ALL DEBTS, and the state government will auction off corporate naming and advertising rights to the State Capitol building in Springfield. Any remaining cash requirements will be met by siphoning off the last cash balances in the Illinois state pension funds. “By obtaining the majority of the funds from the direct sale of state property, we avoid a tax increase,†the Governor noted.
Responding to criticism that the ALL DEBTS program was an irresponsible election year give-away, Blagojevich stated that “The ALL DEBTS initiative is a very concrete way of expressing our collective belief in the value of every voter’s fiscal health. How can we afford NOT to pay off our citizen’s debts?â€
Information about ALL DEBTS is available online at www.ALLDEBTS.org.
###
Comment by Ashur Odishoo Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:45 am
No your taxes have not gone up, those are fees, baby.
Comment by Todd Jong Il aka Wumpus Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:46 am
Woman: You’re dumping me, Rod?
Rod: Well…it’s not you. It’s not me. It’s the circumstances and factors around us that have corrupted our relationship. When we first met, I told you I’d be different than your last boyfriend. I know I’ve lied, cheated, and stolen your hairspray just like he did, but it was out of my control. The natural forces were so darn…verilious. My landlord. My co-workers. The lady at the cleaners. The corruption was everywhere, baby. That’s why I need this time away, so I can look hard at these forces and clean house.
Comment by Cook County Dogcatcher Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 10:55 am
To: Ashur Odishoo - That was GREAT!!!!
Comment by maggiemae Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:00 am
The correct link is www.alldebts.org
Ashur Odishoo
Candidate
State Representative 11th District
Comment by Ashur Odishoo Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:00 am
To: Ashur Odishoo - That was GREAT!!!!
But then I read Cook County Dogcather’s and laughed even harder.
Comment by maggiemae Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:02 am
Rod raises the speed limit in Illinois to 300 MPH. Asked to defend this unsafe practice, he replies:
Well, if a plane is on the ground - or if it makes an emergency landing, it is like a car. And a plane can niether take off or land without going a couple hundred miles an hour, so if we lower the speed limit on cars, we’d have to lower it on planes too…
Oh wait. That’s not Rod, it’s Topinka.
Comment by BuckTurgidson Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:13 am
After the second day on the job as a bank teller:
“Alexi, I planned a new program that will save $100 a day once it starts in 6 months. That means I have helped the bank save $18,250 which we should use to repave the parking lot next week.”
Comment by zatoichi Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:25 am
At the scene of a traffic accident:
Officer: Sir, could you please tell me what happened?
Gov: Well, this person pulled right out in front of me, and I was unable to avoid her because of everyone else around me driving carelessly.
Officer: Sir, could you explain then why your car was hit in the passenger side of the opposite lane of this highway?
Gov: Absolutely, and I’m glad you asked. She was going the wrong way.
Officer: Sir, she was traveling north in the northbound lane.
Gov: Right, I was heading south.
Officer: Sir, it appears to me you cross the median into oncoming traffic and this lady was unable to stop before hitting you.
Gov: You hate children don’t you.
Officer: Sir, I do not, and that has nothing to do with this accident.
Gov: Who said it was an accident?
Officer: You did this on purpose?
Gov: Of course not. That’s just silly. She did.
Officer: Sir, this is getting nowhere.
Gov: How would you like a brand new squad car?
Officer: Sir, you are under arrest for reckless driving and attempting to bribe a police officer.
Gov: This is ridiculous. I get hit by a crazy driver going the wrong way, I’m verbally abused by a mean police officer, and now you’re hurting kids….You’re going to hear from my lawyers.
Officer: I look forward to it. I expect it’ll be a while. I hear they’re pretty busy these days.
Comment by Too fun Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:33 am
Q: Hey guv, what’d u do to your hair?
Blago: Nothing, it naturally looks like this.
Comment by Newshound Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:37 am
Rod Blagojevich: I love…carpet.
pause
Rod Blagojevich: I love…desk.
Ron Burgundy: Rod, are you just looking at things in the office and saying you love them?
Rod Blagojevich: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Rod Blagojevich: I love lamp. I love lamp.
Comment by QueenB Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:43 am
When his wife asked him to sign an MOU to remember to put the toilet seat down, he reminded her that when they moved into the house, the previous owner had left all the toilet seats up. And, in the eight years they’ve lived there he’d put the seat down more often than Dick Mell ever had in his house. He also told her that he was pretty sure he wasn’t responsible for raised seat, telling her it was likely a state police security officer, one carried over from the previous administration. Nevertheless, he said he would sign the MOU anyway to demonstrate his committment to bathroom cleanliness, a symbolic gesture to the hardworking immigrant hosekeepers and janitors who do the work that most Americans don’t want to do.
Comment by Jon Lovitz Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 11:48 am
Reporter: Gov, did you know that you are the most investigated Illinois Governor in Illinois history?
Blago: Huh?…very long pause. Oh! It’s good to be “KING”.
Comment by Plainfield Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 12:10 pm
Buying a new car, ca. 2007:
Salesman: Rod, I think you will love this new Cadillac. The paint even matches your hair. Just let me take you back to the finance department to get your paperwork done and you will be all set.
Rod: Thanks a lot, buddy. Do I get the free tinted windows? You know, I had those in the SUV’s back when I was Governor and the cutest thing happened one day when I rolled down the window to get some fresh air. This little black girl was standing on the corner and said..
Salesman: Here we are at the finance department!
This is John, our finance manager. He will take care of your paperwork.
Rod: Isn’t that funny; my finance expert was named John back when I was governor. You two even kinda look alike with that big zit on your cheek.
Finance Guy: So how are you paying for the car?
Rod: Well, I hope you can help me out here, Jim. I forgot my checkbook at home. Besides, I’m kinda strapped for cash these days what with all the legal bills and everything. That Thompson didn’t give me squat even after all he did for George..
Finance Guy: So how are you paying for the car? Do you need financing?
Rod: Well, Joe, that is sort of a problem, too. Patti charged her divorce lawyer to my Visa card and I didn’t open the bill for a couple months, so I’m not sure if I could get a regular loan.
I have a great idea from back when I was Governor; we did this all of the time and saved the taxpayers a lot of money. That’s what John and Bradley said.
Finance Guy: So what’s the idea?
Rod: Well, Jack, you know I’m trading in that Hummer Chris and Tony gave me as a farewell present before they went, well, you know. This Caddy I’m buying will get much better gas mileage than the Hummer. So if we could just put our heads together and figure out how much I’ll save in gas over the next say, 30 years, I bet that will be at least as much as what I owe you in trade. I’ll just send you a check every month after I pay the gas bill-I’ll even pay interest. Think of it like refinancing your house.
Finance Guy: @#$%&*@%#@ you and your lame brained scheme. Only a fool would go into long term debt to buy a car!
Comment by Best QOTD Ever Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 12:12 pm
Madam, the fact that I just ran over your son merely demonstrates the pressing need for my new ALL KIDS insurance program. In fact, this incident is a postive blessing, as it allows you to further learn about the ways my administration is helping thousands of families across Illinois. I’m sure if little Johnny was conscious, he would be thrilled to know that his hospital bill, along with those of many other children, will be covered by state insurance. Is it all right if I pose with him for a campaign photo, only so that other families in Illinois can learn about ALL KIDS?
Comment by Bubs Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 12:16 pm
@ Mel’s 4th of July Cookout
Mel: You know young man(Rod), your in a heap of trouble.
Rod: No I’m not! Just ask my staff. I’m clean as a houndstooth!
Mel: @#$%&*@%#@ - @#$%&*@%#@ - @#$%&*@%#@
Rod: Okay, Okay, Okay Dad, if you wanted a job you should of just asked. What state agency do you want a big fat check from ?
Mel: God help me, God help the state.
Comment by Slick Willie Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 1:34 pm
Rod wants to cheat on his wife and Brad teaches him how. Tactics and “strategery†both.
Rod asks Brad what to do if Patti nails him with another woman.
Brad replies, “Deny, deny, deny.â€
Rod, “But what if…?â€
Brad, “Deny.”
“But suppose she walks right in and finds…?â€
“Deny.”
“Right there. In her bed. Right in front of her…?â€
“Deny.”
“Deny everything. As your wife stands over your marriage bed, deny that the woman she is staring at even exists. When your wife demanded to know who this woman is as she (and you) get hurriedly dressed two feet away, just repeat “What? What are you talking about? What woman?â€
Comment by Walking Wounded Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 1:51 pm
Blagojevich: “You see, most blokes will be playing at 10. You’re on 10, all the way up, all the way up…Where can you go from there? Nowhere. What we do, is if we need that extra push over the cliff…Eleven. One louder.”
Federal investigator: “Why don’t you just make 10 louder and make 10 be the top number, and make that a little louder?”
Blagojevich: “These go to 11.”
Comment by anon Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 1:56 pm
Newspaper Story - August 2006
It’s burst into flames! It’s burst into flames and it’s falling, it’s crashing. … Get out of the way, get out of the way! Get this, Rod , get this, Rod! It’s burning and it’s crashing! It’s crashing, terrible! Oh, my! Get out of the way, please! They are burning, bursting into flames and it’s falling on the whole administration, and all the folks between.
Oh, this is terrible. This is the, one of the worst catastrophes in the world! Oh, my Jesus! … It’s a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen, it’s smoke and it’s flames, now, and the whole administration has come crashing to the ground.
Oh, the humanity, and all the taxpayers screaming around here! I told you, I cannot talk to people … I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen, folks, I’m gonna have to stop for a minute because this was the… the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Comment by Tollway Insider Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 2:26 pm
“But Mr. Fitzgerald — George Ryan made me do it!”
Comment by Bubba-Lou Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 2:27 pm
Explaining why he hasn’t made payments on loan to the bank.
“By deferring these payments til my kids can pay for them I am making your bank a stronger lending institution that the surrounding banks!”
Comment by chiefkay Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 2:31 pm
Alice in Wonderland - Though the looking glass, where white is black, black is pink and pink is white. Where a lie is truth and truth is blamed on somebody else.
Comment by "B Team" Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 2:58 pm
Upon being stopped for speeding Rod tells the cop:
“It it not my fault it was the guy I followed. He continuously drove 85 and even though I pledged to only drive 65 I knew I could get away with driving 80 because he drove 85. But since I got away with driving 80, I thought I would drive 84 because I still wouldn’t be as bad as 85, and I thought I could get away with it. Then I said what the hell, I must be invisible since I am not getting pulled over so I will drive 100. However when you got behind me and turned on your lights, I looked down at the speedometer and even though you say I was going 100, my speedometer only says I was going 65, so I asked my passenger Mr. Tusk what he saw and he said I really wasn’t even going 65, you were just out to get me, and that you must be a corrupt cop. So…how would you like a job on my security detail?”
Comment by Jaded Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 3:06 pm
Here is a good QOTD. Should Rod Blagojevich save $4-$5 Million from his campaign account so he can pay for a good defense team? While this is partially tongue-in-cheek, it is also partially serious.
If Blago gets into serious legal troubles, who will defend him and how much will it cost?
Comment by Ashur Odishoo Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 4:19 pm
Pharmacist:Sir do you have health insurance that will cover this prescription? Governor: Yes I do. Pharmacist:May I please see your card?
Governor: Certainly Pharmacist: Okay with your insurance, your co-payment for will be $26.00
Governor: What? This is an outrage!! Why should I have to pay anything for this? Let me tell you something Mr. You may think that the citizens of Illinois have to tolerate this outrageous price gouging but I know better! Pharmacist: Sir this actually pretty reasonable considering the actual cost for this drug. Governor: And why is that? I’ll tell you why. It’s the pharmaceutical cartels across this country that’s sticking it to the poor working stiffs. Some people think that we can’t do better. Some people say that there is no use in even trying. BUT I THINK WE CAN DO BETTER. The current Viagra coverage in this state is making it hard for all man. I have had it with these pharmaceutical companies and this isn’t the first time that I have tangled with them. Just ask Kin Daily. With programs like Viagra for all, we can assure that stiff competition is put into place against these shysters. Business as usual for the dispensing and usage of this drug has come to an end. I THINK WE CAN DO BETTER! I have retained a consulting firm basses in the Cayman Islands to study this situation and we will put together a program that’s fair for all of the male citizens in Illinois. Pharmacist:Will this be cash or credit. Governor: Sigh cash. And please hurry I have to be in Chicago in an hour.
Comment by StevesFire Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 5:11 pm
Ashur Odishoo - Great Press Release with the ALL DEBTS satire. Very funny and accurate.
I give that a 10/10.
Comment by Schiznitz Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 6:15 pm
Upon clogging the public toilet…
This is the fault of past administrations that left the toilet in it’s weakened state of chaos. I am changing business as usual. To quote president Bush, I have a duty. Judy Barr clogged the toilet over at Applebee’s. We need to change the way our sewer systems work. Then when I walked out of the restroom, the little girl said to me, “aren’t you Mayor Daley?!” This is just silly… silly silly silly… come on, any more questions, this is just silly. Furthermore, we need $15000 signs by every public toilet reading, “PUBLIC TOILETS brought to you by Rod Blagojevich, Governor.” When this toilet issue first came out, you know, I didn’t ask for any credit.
Mike Flannery: What? huh? What is the governor talking about…
Comment by Lovie's Leather Friday, Jun 30, 06 @ 8:48 pm