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Question of the day

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Illinois

The governor walks into a bar…

posted by Rich Miller
Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:02 am

Comments

and nobody knows who he is……

Comment by Leigh Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:06 am
that is definitely not located in Springfield.

Comment by Ravenswood Right Winger Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:07 am
Do we get to choose the bar? I suggest Jacob’s in the QC.

Comment by Princeville Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:12 am
..and says, “excuse me, bartender…have you seen my relavence? I seem to have lost it somewhere.”

Comment by Anonymous ZZZ Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:13 am
… and talks endlessly, endlessly about the Cubs. People tune out, order beer, turn away. Closing time, and Blagojeivich is still there.

“… 9 innings, 14 innings,” Blagojevich is saying, “does it really matter? Does it –”

The bartender: “Um …”

“– I mean, listen, the game here is to win, who cares –”

“Sir?”

“… eh?”

“Give it a rest.”

Blagojevich turns. The bar is empty.

“Closing time,” says the bartender. “Bye bye.”

Comment by Macbeth Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:15 am
and no one notices….

Says no one can drink until they agree to drink what he wants to drink…

Orders water from Chicago, because they obviously put something in it here because everyone disagrees with him….

Chats up a waitress about health care….

And sees the Daily Show on the TV and asks whats that…

Comment by OneManBlog Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:15 am
The bartender says, “Sorry Gov, I’m not gonna serve you.”

The Governor says, “It’s okay. I’m not gonna serve you either!”

Comment by legislative hostage Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:16 am
And says,…”I’ll take one Appletini”

Comment by Anon Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:17 am
and the hair prevents any damage to his head.

Comment by anon Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:17 am
…and the horse says, “Why the long face?”

Comment by phocion Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:21 am
. . . and an attractive young lady says “Aren’t you Mayor Daley?”

Blagojevich thinks to himsElvis “Gee, I have been telling that story for a while”

Comment by anon Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:22 am
Violent themes will get you deleted and banned. Just a warning. Ease up and have fun.

Comment by Rich Miller Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:23 am
Gee, no one wants to slip him a micky and take him home?

Comment by The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:24 am
He takes from his pocket a tiny piano and a twelve inch pianist…oh wait, I can’t tell that joke.

Comment by 47th Ward Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:28 am
…and Madigan and Jones ducked!

Comment by joker Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:28 am
And asks where’s the nearest mirror.

Comment by The King of Pain Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:29 am
and says “Ouch! I shouldn’t have set it so low.”

Comment by Missing Reagan Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:31 am
and falls down…

Comment by anon Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:33 am
…and after picking his jaw up off the floor, the talent agent says, “That’s a heck of an act you’ve got there. What do you call it?”

“The Aristocrats!” says the Governor.

Comment by The Guild of Calamitous Intent Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:35 am
And staggers out drunk hours later and runs right into two priests. He says, “I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, “No, Rod, you’re not.” So the Governor says it to the second priest. The second priest says, “No, Rod, you’re not.” The Governor says, “Look, I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the Governor and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

Comment by Napoleon has left the building Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:36 am
and asks “What aisle in the hairspray in?”

Comment by AsAMom Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:36 am
and no one is smoking, people are playing video poker and the Cubs are in first place.

Comment by Jake from Elwood Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:38 am
…and asks, “Who wants a drink?”. Then orders them a Cosmopolitan, his favorite. And then passes the hat to pay for all the drinks, including his.

…and asks the bartender why the bar is not busy anymore. Bartender replies, everyone went to Wisconsin where they can buy cheaper smokes and light up in the bars.

…and asks the bartender, “Why did that cute gal leave when you carded her? She appears to be clearly over 21?”. Bartender replies, “She said she got a speeding ticket and the cops confiscated her ID card. With your entourage of state police here in my bar and no evidence of her age, I had to send her away”.

Comment by Anonymundo Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:38 am
And the door with the bars slams shut and Fitzgerald and Collins laugh uproariously and exclaim “I just can’t believe another one fell for the temptations of office again!”

Comment by A Citizen Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:43 am
I hope everybody appreciates the hilarity of the Guild’s Aristocrats post.

Comment by Anonymous Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:45 am
Pat Quinn ducked.

Comment by JonShibleyFan Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:47 am
you sure he didn’t just jog by the bar?

Comment by RDukes Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:49 am
says ‘You know I studied for this test’

Comment by OneManBlog Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:50 am
….And demands that a bunch of drunken sailors pay his tab

Comment by Poof Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:52 am
He pulls out his hair brush and says “give me all your cash so I can give healthcare to people.” The bartender laughs and says “I don’t serve drunks here!”

Comment by blah blah blah Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 10:55 am
he asks the bartender if they serve democrats.

bartender says yes.

Blago “I’d like a beer”

Bartender “you’re no democrat, you’re irrelevent”

Comment by Dozer Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:00 am
and says ouch, then yells at Jones and Madigan for trying to bar him into his office while the real leaders meet.

Comment by Ghost Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:01 am
and the bartender says, ” You can stay, but the hairdo has to go!”

Comment by Dusseldorf Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:12 am
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve members of the executive branch here.”

Blago says, “What about him!” as Dick Cheney scurries out the back door.

Comment by Rimshot Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:15 am
and everyone in the bar is immediately charmed by him. He tells great stories, is full of energy, and becomes the life of the party. He buys drinks for everyone and by the end of his visit the bar is full of song and laughter.

The patrons hate to see him go and ask that he come back again soon. As the bar’s doors close, the bartender looks up stunned and asks loudly - “WHO IS GOING TO PAY THIS TAB?!”

Comment by VanillaMan Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:20 am
Bartender: What will it be?

Rod: I’ll have a beer, and did you know 1.4 million Illinoisans don’t have health insurance?

Bartender: how are you going to pay for that?

Rod: the Gross Receipts tax:

Bartender: Are you serious?

Rod: Hell yes I am serious did you know 1.4 million Illinoisans don’t have health insurance?

Bartender: I meant the beer, how are you going to pay for the beer?

Rod: There are 1.4 million Illinoisans without health insurance and you are worried about the beer?

Bartender: See, sir, this place used to be packed on a Thursdays, but since all the state employees don’t know if they are going to be paid this week, our business is down 75%, so yes, I want to know how you are going to pay for the beer?

Rod: Did you know 1.4 million Illinoisans don’t have health Insurance?

Comment by the Patriot Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:38 am
I was going to make a joke involving the Chicago Police since it is a “bar” joke, but I won’t. It did involve “pugilism” though

Comment by irishpirate Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 12:25 pm
….And Jill and Tessa say
“Did you bring Jay and Tom too/”
“It’s been so long”

Comment by Danville Dude Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:04 pm
and the bartender says, “Sorry, no children allowed.”

Comment by Say It Ain't So, Moe! Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:06 pm
…and he says to the bartender, “I demand that everyone get free beer, but you can’t charge any more for it.” The bartender said, “I can’t afford that, how am I going to pay for it?” “Simple”, said the Gov, “simply charge more for your wine and mixed drinks.” “But”, said the bartender dubiously, “then all my customers who drink wine and mixed drinks will go somewhere else!” The Gov replied, “What’s important is that everyone gets free beer, and I’m staying here until they do, even if I have to shut this place down!” And then the bartender ignored the Gov and went about his business as usual.

(ok, so maybe that’s more like an un-joke?)

Comment by What planet is he from again? Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:10 pm
an asks for directions to Springfield.

Comment by Garp Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:11 pm
Blago walks into a bar and sits down, orders a beer.

A voice says “Nice Tie!”

Nobody is there except Blago and the bartender.

“Your ideas on health care are a model for the nation!”

Blago thinks he must be losing his mind.

“Love the hair!”

Finally, Blago says to the bartender, “I keep hearing this strange voice….”

“Those are the peanuts, governor. They’re complimentary.”

Comment by Leroy Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:14 pm
We hear you’re leaving, that’s OK.
I thought our little wild time had just begun,
I guess you kind of scared yourself, you turn and run.

But if you have a change of heart.

Rikki don’t lose that number;
You don’t wanna call nobody else.
Send it off in a letter to yourself.
Rikki don’t lose that number;
It’s the only one you own.
You might use it if you feel better,
When you get home.

Comment by SteelyDan Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:32 pm
and the hair assimilates it.

Comment by Jerry Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:39 pm
***

And the bartender asks, “Whatta you have, Governor?”

“Vinegar and water.”

– SCAM

Comment by so-called "Austin Mayor" Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:40 pm
And orders a round for the house. After serving everyone, the bartender asks the governor for payment. “Ha,ha,ha,” the governor replies, “You didn’t get me to sign an MOU!”

Comment by one of the 35 Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 1:46 pm
And sits down. A man sitting next to him offers some sage advice. He says, “Guv, the budget problem is like this grasshopper here on the bar.” ” Watch what happens when I remove two of his legs and yell JUMP”. So the fellow removes two of the grasshopper’s legs and shouts, “Jump!” The governor says, “ Well, I see nothing happened!’’ The man says,“OK Sir, now watch again”, the man removes two more of the grasshopper’s legs, then yells, “ Jump!” Nothing happens. ” So what” says the Governor. Then the man asks the Governor what the moral of the story is, to which the Guv replies, “ When you take off a grasshoppers legs, he can’t hear?” “Well, not quite”, says the man in the bar.”The moral of this story”, says the man, ” is that pulling the legs off of a grasshopper doesn’t put the grasshopper in any better position to jump regardless of whether it can hear you or not.” To which the Governor replied, ” Do you think I would look better with a beard?”

Comment by Mr. Peabody Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 2:01 pm
He has a duck under his arm. The bartender says, “where did you get the quack?” Blagojevich says “I got him at the County Fair.” The bartender says “I was talking to the duck!”

Comment by Justice Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 2:26 pm
Sits on a stool and orders a glass of Merlot.

The bartender looks behind the bar, realizes he is out of Merlot, leaves for a moment and comes back with a bottle of a lighter red wine. As he pours a glass, he says “I’m sorry, Governor, this is just criminal, but I have to serve you a sub Pinot.”

The Governor falls off the stool and passes out.

Comment by Ron Burgundy Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 3:21 pm
and says “where is the TV remote, I want to watch “Deal - No Deal’”

Comment by Economist Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 3:27 pm
… and walks out again 10 minutes later, having completed his special session of drinking.

Comment by Ferdy Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 4:18 pm
There’s a lawyer joke in here somewhere.

Comment by Belle Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 4:31 pm
Wakes up and says, “hey jailer, let me out of here, I’m innocent I tell you.”

Comment by ids Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 5:05 pm
..and orders 10 shots of the best whiskey they have. As soon as the barkeep sets up the shot glasses and starts pouring, Rod is pounding them down at a furious pace.

The barkeep says,”why are you tossing those back so fast, my friend?”

Rod replies, “you would drink fast, too, if you had what I had.”

“What’s that?”

“Seventy-Five cents.”

Comment by Arthur Andersen Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 5:12 pm
…welcome back to the Manhole, governor. Your usual private table?

Comment by BlueByrd Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 7:07 pm
orders a bunch of drinks, but never leaves cause they are haggling over the tab

Comment by Wumpus Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 9:04 pm
rich…let’s play “name that bar”

Comment by Ill Lawyer Thursday, Aug 2, 07 @ 11:43 pm
And cries in his beer, “Adrian! I coulda been somebody!”

Comment by Rockford Rant Friday, Aug 3, 07 @ 1:19 am
Oh, man, what a lot of great jokes. And not one mentions “testicular virility!”

Comment by Ahem Friday, Aug 3, 07 @ 6:20 am
… with a monkey on a chain. The bartender refuses to serve the governor, but gives the monkey a $10 bill. A bar patron says to the bartender. “I thought you hated politicians.” The bartender replied, “I do, but they are so cute when they are little.”

Comment by Patriot Friday, Aug 3, 07 @ 7:40 am