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“Study” claims Illinoisans not likely to survive zombie apocalypse

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* RantCasino press release…

TV shows like ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘iZombie’ have shown us that although it’s unlikely, you should always consider the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. […]

Estimations for this study are based on a sample of 369,240 globally geolocated cemeteries and graves acquired from an established public database of cemetery records. The total number of zombies is synonymous to the number of graves in the area.

With a whopping 12,691,919 potential living dead roaming the streets, New York is the worst US state to be in, should a zombie apocalypse occur. The Big Apple is also home to 9,730 cemeteries, which we recommend avoiding!

The second most dangerous state to live in during a zombie apocalypse is Pennsylvania, with 12,505,514 potential walking dead.

In third place is Ohio, with the chance to host 10,361,999 zombies during doomsday - 15% more walking dead than California which comes in fourth place with 8,732,358.

Texas comes in fifth place (8,624,922 potential zombies), followed by Illinois (8,235,259), Indiana (5,979,766) and Missouri (5,970,345). […]

Residents in Alaska might not notice there is a zombie apocalypse, with just 72,849 potential creatures roaming the streets during doomsday. The same can be said for Wyoming, the second least affected state, with only 295,117 potential zombies roaming the streets.

The third least dangerous place to live during a zombie apocalypse is Nevada (333,326 potential zombies), followed by Hawaii (343,193) and Delaware (446,313).

Here’s a link to RantCasino’s study.

* Another study by Lawn Love gave the rest of Illinois better odds…

If you fear the walking dead, then your best strategy for avoiding getting bit would be to shelter in place.

Surprisingly, the Midwest is the smart choice for a hideout. The Kansas City metro area, the Twin Cities, and Chicago suburb Naperville, Illinois, are all good places to invest in a home before the apocalypse. Properties in the Midwest region are not only generous in square footage, but they also commonly come with basements that you can convert into bunkers.

* If you want to look at the rankings, here you go

* The CDC’s Preparedness 101; zombie pandemic

* The Pentagon has an actual plan for the zombie apocalypse: The strategy, known as “CONPLAN 8888,” is an unclassified document that lays out how the military would best respond to a potential zombie apocalypse. The plan’s overall purpose is for the military to undertake operations to “preserve ‘non-zombie’ humans from the threats posed by a zombie horde.”

[Note from Rich: This post mysteriously disappeared from the site, so I put it back. Not sure what happened there.]

posted by Isabel Miller
Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 11:54 am

Comments

Geez, we can’t even win the zombie race. Now I am depressed.

Comment by New Day Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 11:57 am
Zombie is a disparaging term. We prefer “bonus voters”.

Emergency services people sometimes game out simulations of zombie attacks as a way to inspire thinking and planning for real world disaster events… Like vaccine distribution in an epidemic, while simultaneously facing some natural disaster.

Comment by Give Us Barabbas Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 11:59 am
Nevada?

Already filled with zombies.

Comment by Blue Bayou Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 11:59 am
and I was worried about Russia and North Korea. silly me.

Comment by Blue Dog Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:01 pm
Then there’s the Tribune’s editorial board claims that the zombies are all leaving Illinois because of democratic business and tax policies.

Comment by Give Us Barabbas Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:01 pm
I don’t understand the relevance of cemeteries. Some of the folks buried are mostly decomposed, they can’t become a zombie. And how would they turn into zombies when they are 6 feet underground? And how would they escape their coffins burried 6 feet deep?

Just not serious study.

Comment by Henry Francis Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:01 pm
There are George Romero army chemical zombies, 28 Days Later virus zombies, The Walking Dead zombies and so on.

I’m certain the 28 Days Later virus does not affect the buried dead, it only turns the already living into crazed zombies who can run really fast, bite others and turn them into infected zombies. The Walking Dead is a pathogen that turns the bitten/infected into zombies that decompose over time. And George Romero, a chemical toxin can raise the recent dead in cemeteries but could not reanimate skeletal bones or a corpse whose brain, eyes and organs were all dried up. Depending on how many corpses were lying around in morgues and hospitals would mean being in a larger city could be worse compared to rural areas.

This cemetery analogy was written by a complete novice. Illinois is safe.

Comment by Baloneymous Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:19 pm
I hate Illinois’ zombies.

Comment by We’ll See Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:23 pm
So apparently zombies contributed to Blago being reelected in ‘06 even though all the evidence by then pointed to an eventual indictment.

Comment by AcademicUnionStateEmployee Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:27 pm
if the zombie apocalypse fear has taught us anything, it is that the people who believe in it’s potential are dimwits.
hence the shape of the world we live in.

Comment by Drake Mallard Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:27 pm
This study is clearly another effort by Dan Proft and his ilk to make Illinois look as bad as possible. /s

Thanks Isabel for some lighter fare!

Comment by lollinois Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:31 pm
“Note from Rich: This post mysteriously disappeared from the site, so I put it back. Not sure what happened there.”

It has been… Reanimated.

Comment by Ok Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:32 pm
Meh, rural Illinois has been fighting zombie deer for a decade. We are good.

Comment by JS Mill Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:33 pm
ILGOP furiously typing up a statement on how this is Madigan’s fault and will lead to higher property taxes.

Comment by Buford Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:35 pm
==[Note from Rich: This post mysteriously disappeared from the site, so I put it back. Not sure what happened there.]==

It was those zombies. If not them, it was the ghosts and goblins getting a 20 day head start on their commemorative day.

Comment by AcademicUnionStateEmployee Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:37 pm
“The Walking Dead is a pathogen that turns the bitten/infected into zombies that decompose over time.”

That’s already happening to me…and I wasn’t even bitten.

Comment by Dotnonymous Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:38 pm
Another parade on State Street…Zombie Apocalypse Day on November 30. Special guests include all the failed candidates from the November 8 election.

Comment by Rudy’s teeth Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:40 pm
I think places like the North Side of Chicago up the River and Channel through Evanston, plus the South side of Chicago out to like the Palos-Blue area to the Little Calumet River, would all be fine.

Why? Water boundaries. Zombies can’t swim.

Also good places?

A bunch of islands up near Fox Lake. The Rock Island Arsenal. Chouteau Island. Cairo. And Big Fish Grille in Wilmington.

Comment by Ok Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:43 pm
Speaker Welch tried to warn us.

https://ilga.gov/legislation/BillStatus.asp?GA=100&DocTypeID=HR&DocNum=30&GAID=14&SessionID=91&LegID=99787

Comment by The Opinions Bureau Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:44 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts. What’s in your head, in your head? Zombie…. sing along….

Comment by Amalia Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:46 pm
Being a Florida resident, I would argue that zombies are more dangerous here because they drive cars but that’s another story.

Comment by Stones Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:47 pm
===Why? Water boundaries. Zombies can’t swim.===

George Romero’s Land of the Dead settled that issue. Zombies may not swim, but they sink to the bottom and walk through water to the other side.

Also, Lucio Fulci’s Zombie 2 film had an underwater scene with a zombie fighting a shark, so the zombie was swimming.

Comment by Baloneymous Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 12:58 pm
Speaking of zombies, where’s Dan Proft with a TV ad blasting Pritzker for lack of preparation for the zombie apocalypse?

Comment by Curious citizen Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:02 pm
It’s time to build the Illinois Air Force with AC-130s and A-10 Thunderbolts that will take out the herds quickly.

Comment by ArchPundit Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:03 pm
If you haven’t watched this already — ZOMBIE ANTS.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vijGdWn5-h8&ab_channel=NationalGeographic

It’s a metaphor for what Trumpism has done to the Republican Party. Only instead of spores, they sprout racist yard signs.

Comment by Soccermom Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:04 pm
It depends a lot, slow zombies or fast zombies. If it’s fast zombies, get out of IL fast; too much flat terrain here, not enough natural barriers to play with. The Rockies are probably your best bet, if you can somehow make it there. If they’re slow, dumb Romero zombies, you might actually be able to build some workable barriers around a good chunk of Chicago, and then the nearby access to freshwater in a post-zombie apocalyptic hellscape, shouldn’t be minimized.

Comment by ZC Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:12 pm
Capitol Fax Site Hacked by Zombie Enablers

It feels like we’re already being attacked by Zombies topped with red hats.

Comment by Norseman Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:36 pm
Surround your house with treadmills and all is good.

Comment by Glengarry Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:39 pm
I would put Hawaii a bit higher on the list, especially since you can’t get too far away from the zombies.

Comment by Nathan Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:44 pm
Is there time to slip this IPI so they can issue an alert the Exodus Team

Comment by ANNON'IN Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:45 pm
Nathan — to your point, I think it is extremely limited to look at this as a numbers game. I mean, what about people who live in highrises? Will the zombies know how to use elevators?

Comment by Soccermom Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:52 pm
I dispute this. We got through Blagojevich and Rauner so we have pretty much proven our perseverance.

Comment by levivotedforjudy Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:52 pm
Bad study.

According to the study the “total number of zombies is synonymous to the number of graves in the area.” The number of graves in state is a function of the state’s total interred population throughout time, e.g. New York is populous and old so, according to the study, it has the most potential zombies.

And because even the very oldest graves are counted, this would seem to indicate that no matter how long one has been dead, human remains can still rise to join the army of the damned.

However, footprints found at White Sands National Park in New Mexico provide unequivocal evidence of human activity in the Americas 23,000 years ago.
https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.abg7586

That means that human beings were living and dying in the Americas for ~22,470 years prior to the first graveyard counted in this study. That number of potential zombies, much less their distribution by state, is unknown and unknowable.

Therefore, this study is deeply and irreparably flawed due to the researchers failure to account for the continent’s indigenous population.

– MrJM

p.s. I am NOT a crackpot.

Comment by MisterJayEm Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 1:52 pm
This sounds like something SCTV’s Count Floyd would have featured on Monster Chiller Horror Theatre. Really scary, boys and girls.

Comment by West Side the Best Side Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 2:54 pm
I think Isabel’s title choice is flawed on this excellent study. The great thing about a zombie apocalypse is that you survive, it’s just a question of surviving as a human or as a zombie.

p.s. I’m no more of a crackpot than MrJM

Comment by Lurker Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 3:10 pm
I saw 24 Zombies a few weeks ago at 35th and Shields. Nothing to worry about they are harmless.

Comment by Groucho Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 4:03 pm
Next thing you know, pollsters will want to interview these zombies. Oh wait, they already are.

Comment by Keeping Track Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 4:09 pm
If it’s a matter of cemeteries then that stretch of Roosevelt that goes through Forest Park all the way to Our Lady of Angels on Wolf is doomed.

Comment by cermak_rd Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 4:11 pm
Man, I’ve really tried to avoid the whole zombie apocalypse thing but now it’s right here in front of me on Capitol Fax. I suppose need to decide if I even want to survive an ordeal like that, whether in Illinois or elsewhere. Missouri will just be a shooting spree of crossfire. I’ll need a couple days to seriously ponder this.

Love your work, Isabel. Now you’ve got me thinkin’.

Comment by XonXoff Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 4:38 pm
Responding to OK at 12:32. Zombies can definitely swim and one should not assume a water barrier equates to safety. Zombie film cannon has at least one depiction of a zombie ambulating along the sea bed (no need to breathe) on its way to an outlying island and, believe it or not, fighting and eating a shark. See the 1978 Italian zombie film “Zombi”

Comment by In the Know Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 5:06 pm
Any study that does not deal with the number of guns and amount of ammo per capita (divided by 2 for the well-known need to double tap a zombie) is nonsense.

Comment by Jibba Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 5:17 pm
This is not a good enough reason to get me to move to Naperville. No way.

Comment by jojo1423 Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 5:24 pm
Well, if anything helps citizens prepare for disasters, whether natural or man-made, I’m all for it. But after seeing what people do during the pandemic…I’m not very hopeful. Who will volunteer for Zombie Warden duty??

Comment by thisjustinagain Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 6:00 pm
Isabel, bringing the heat so hot the Zombies attack her post.

===Therefore, this study is deeply and irreparably flawed due to the researchers failure to account for the continent’s indigenous population.===

If it’s possible to understand what is the “Zombie Year of Embarkment”, the oldest year a death can mean a repopulation upon the soil, I would then know what my fear should be and at what level that fear should remain.

Out here in ole Kendall County, the centuries (plural) of recorded inhabitants is something of a pride felt here, and in ways somewhat ignoring the indigenous peoples who were here before, but acknowledging a true history exists.

All that table setting, and the Fox River bubbling along, the number of zombies could overwhelm the hamlet in such numbers it won’t matter much if any warning was sounded.

I will wait to hear where that line is for a zombie to have the ability to emerge.

Comment by Oswego Willy Tuesday, Oct 11, 22 @ 6:10 pm
Started my day laughing through the comments! Thanks for making a rainy day better!

Comment by BonJor Wednesday, Oct 12, 22 @ 9:09 am