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Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner gave the Oath of an Officer to the newly appointed director of the Illinois State Police on Wednesday.

Director Leo P. Schmitz was appointed by Rauner on Feb. 4 and unanimously confirmed by the Illinois State Legislature 13 days later.

The accompanying photo…

Well, well. Rauner raised his right hand this time. He’s learnin’!

* The Question: Caption?

posted by Rich Miller
Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:27 pm

Comments

Do you solemnly swear to bust every strike, block every picket line and escort all scabs into job sites so help you God?

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:28 pm
I need you to bust ten strikes. Not nine, not eight, ten!

Comment by Anon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:31 pm
Judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement;

The “Caption Contest” third rail.

“Caption”

“And I solemnly swear to not want a…problem…”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:31 pm
“I… ” State your name.
I… state your name.
“… do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat. ”
…do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat.
“With liberty and fraternity for all. ”
Amen.
Sergeant at Arms…
do your duty.
From now on, your Delta Tau Chi name is Weasel.
From now on your name is Mothball.
Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.
Why Pinto?
Why not?
What’s my Delta Tau Chi name?
Dorfman, I’ve given this a lot of thought.
From now on…
your name is Flounder

Comment by Stones Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:31 pm
“And you solemnly swear to keep Press 500 feet away, unless you get authorization beforehand…”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:32 pm
“And do you swear to do your job, even after I dismantle the union, shut down the state, and stop paying your officers?

No seriously…that’s what I’m asking.”

Comment by How Ironic Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:33 pm
“Congratulations! In your briefing packet, you’ll find the home addresses of all Democratic legislators and their most likely routes into bordering states. Please keep this handy during overtime session.”

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:34 pm
“Do you swear that the chase car following the trashcan van won’t send video or pictures unauthorized as to its phoniness?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:34 pm
Dude! Budget cuts! High five!

Comment by Linus Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:35 pm
“Do you swear to protect all of my nine home, foreign and domestic?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:36 pm
“By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane…”

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:37 pm
“…will you be upholdin’ the Department’s rich heritage, maintainin’ unimpeachable integrity, and understandin’ that your achievements and choices will be reflectin’ the Illinois State Police?”

Comment by Jocko Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:38 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to sell all vehicles and approve 10 speed bikes for use, and testify to the General Assembly as such for this fiscal year budget?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:39 pm
Rauner: “Son, you’re on your own.”

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:40 pm
So we’re clear, this exchange is being recorded on camera, Leo. Get used to it.

Comment by PublicServant Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:41 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to remind thise who need remindin’ who the Governor is?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:42 pm
I’m swearin’ you in now.

Comment by siriusly Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:43 pm
So, your while paygrade is up here, but you’ll be paid closer to where your hand is, Leo…maybe your elbow.

Comment by PublicServant Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:43 pm
All right, let’s see here. Raise you right hand and repeat after me. One gallon of 2%. A loaf of whole wheat. One pound of butter…wait, dang it, that’s my grocery list!

OK, here we go. Repeat after me. Take the dogs for a walk. Get the trashcan van washed. Pick up the dry cleaning…dang it! That’s my to-do list.

Where the heck is the oath?

Comment by 47th Ward Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:43 pm
“According to this script here, ‘this’ is how you hail a cab. Wow, you learn something new every day!”

Comment by Skeptic Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:44 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to be the keeper of the Payton Prep clout list, and will, at my order, destroy it, and say I had nothing to do with it?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:45 pm
You can have the old Franklin President’s office but I’m keeping the CEOs office for when I come by.

Comment by LIberty Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:52 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to deliver horse heads and dead fish to all enemies, Republican or Democratic?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:54 pm
Rauner “Do you swear to uphold the Illinois constitution?”
Schmitz “I do.”
Rauner: (Ponders momentarily) “You’re fired.”

Comment by Will Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:55 pm
There is this guy, he has a beard, lives on the lake, has a cute little dog and has been losing some weight lately…

Keep an eye on him…

Comment by OneMan Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:55 pm
“And don’t forget — you’re looking at the guy you’re to serve and protect.”

– MrJM

Comment by MrJM Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:57 pm
And you swear in to tier two pension…

Comment by Anonymous Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:58 pm
OK, here’s your first order: I want the identity of Oswego Willy.

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:58 pm
Director Schmitz, to himself: “Please don’t take a selfie. Please don’t take a selfie…”

Comment by Central Scrutinizer Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:58 pm
“Do you solemnly swear that if any legislator finds thenselves in trouble, you’ll call me first, and let me discuss with them… options… they may have besides arrest?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:00 pm
Do you solemnly swear, that as head of the Pinkertons…

Comment by chi Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:02 pm
Ok Rich,

“Do you solemnly swear you aren’t Oswego Willy, planning this ruse to infiltrate my inner circle? It’s standard, Leo, just say ‘yes’…”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:03 pm
A photo of two men, one accomplished and respected leader who isn’t afraid to stand side by side with the line staff. The other is Governor Rauner.

Comment by Stones Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:03 pm
Do you solemnly swear to read “Atlas Shrugged” by the end of the weekend?

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:04 pm
“Do you solemnly swear that I won’t see, hear about, be asked about, or embarrased by troopers running red lights or speeding on my behalf, AND…you’ll take care of it if that does happen?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:05 pm
OK, after you take care of that Willy thing, I want a 24/7 tail on Roberta Lynch.

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:06 pm
“Since you’re usin’ your right hand, I’ll use the opposite one”

Comment by NovMan Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:07 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to switch the uniform vendor for ISP to Carhartt next fiscal year?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:07 pm
“Do you solemnly swear you will feed INTO my paranoia, not blow me off like other protective people I had to rule out?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:08 pm
When I’m done, don’t say anything. I do the talking for this administration, and we don’t answer questions

Comment by Truthteller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:09 pm
Repeat after me, the year, make and model of my van, I’d like there not to be any confusion.

Comment by A guy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:10 pm
As your commander in chief can you assure me that if it comes to war with New Jersey your troopers can whip Chris Christie’s troopers?

Comment by Hawkeye in Illinois Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:14 pm
“Do you promise to let me pass through ANY rope lines, particularly those events that I’m not invited to attend? It’ll avoid those ‘awkward’ moments I do hate.”

Comment by How Ironic Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:15 pm
“Do you solemnly swear never to find yourself in a Capitol Fax ‘Caption. Contest.’ either alone or with me, as long as you hold this post?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:15 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to find out who took the frozen strawberries, and put them on report, and you will arrest any officers who took the strawberries?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:18 pm
And in case this comes up, this is how Native Americans say hello. Repeat after me HOW

Comment by Buddy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:22 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to…….did anyone ever tell you that you’re Chris Farley’s twin brother?”

Comment by Bogey Golfer Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:23 pm
Do you solemnly swear to practice this EVERY day?
“I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing!” (aka Senior Master Sergeant Hans Georg Schultz, serial number 23781)

Comment by zonz Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:27 pm
I want you to hereby solemnly swear that you and your boys will stop every legislator not votin’ for any legislation I’m votin’ for, I want there cars tossed, I want their trunks tossed, I want their personal effects tossed, I want you crawlin’ up their exhaust pipes, YOU FEELIN’ ME LEO?? I- Double Nickel, they’re crawlin’ all over it before legislatin’ starts. Questions..I din’t think so!

Comment by I B Strapped Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:27 pm
Congratulations. Now, go fetch my baseball bat. I have a cabinet meetin’ to attend.

Comment by Rich Miller Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:30 pm
“Do you solemnly swear those chosen for my security details at my other houses won’t eat all my food, or drive my cars at said houses?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:30 pm
“You put your right hand up, you put your right hand down. You put your right hand up and shake it all around…”

Comment by Skeptic Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:31 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to… help…me, when the time is right, secure 13 House Democrats and 10 Senste Democrats when I run out of other… options?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:34 pm
Masonic thumb sign

Comment by Anonymous Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:35 pm
“Do you swear that any of the mopes Roger Heaton’s little task force springs from the joint will not be arrested in IL or if arrested in IL transported to IN for drop-off?”

Comment by Anonin' Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:39 pm
Can not top most of these regular commentators. So make do with fewer troopers than you have had in the past and get more results, because
I am not going to hire any more troopers!!!!!

I have relatives who are ISP and know ( as much as they can share with me ) what they have had to go through and what they deal with on a daily basis ). Good luck.

Comment by illini Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:43 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to hide all the apples in Springfield until I say they can be released?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:43 pm
Didn’t you play center on the Dartmouth football team when I was there? Go Big Green!

Comment by Hawkeye in Illinois Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:46 pm
“Boy I hope i don’t have to take the annual physical fitness test like everyone else does. I did not sign up for that”

Comment by Anon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:56 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to go to The Rail and kill all the gofers you see.”

“Governor, I may be the new head of ISP, but if I kill all the golfers, they’ll lock me up and throw out the key.”

“Not golfers, gofers, Leo, gofers..,”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 2:57 pm
Do you solemnly swear, wait, what is this garbage? We don’t swear to uphold anything in the private sector. *quietly* Hold your other hand up, Leo, so it doesn’t count.

Comment by anon2 Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:02 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to assign Troopers, when the time comes, to every single GOP legislator and make sure they press the voting button I want pressed?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:09 pm
I thought you had to be a judge to administer the oath…

Comment by Roy Bean Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:10 pm
==Rauner “Do you swear to uphold the Illinois constitution?”
Schmitz “I do.”
Rauner: (Ponders momentarily) “You’re fired.”==

Will at 1:55 shoots and scores.

Comment by Roy Bean Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:12 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to find the one-armed man, and clear the name of Dr. Kimball?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:17 pm
br: Quartermaster did a great job on short notice, now do you swear to wear Carhart coveralls from now on due to our fiscal constraints and the reduction in the ISP uniform allotment budgetary line item?

Comment by One day at a time Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:17 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to randomly visit cabinet members, like a well-being check, and report back who might be off the reservation?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:20 pm
“Do you solemnly swear that you take this oath… freely… without any… pressures… from anyone that I have plausible deniability from, including buffers?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:23 pm
They must not be filling vacancies at the Quartermaster either. Lousiest fit of a uniform I’ve seen in 30 years. Kinda funny.

Comment by Former Merit Comp Slave Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:26 pm
I do solemnly swear to stringently enforce the seatbelt law. The texting, cellphone and obstruction hanging from rear view mirror laws. I will also enforce the tinted window, with zero tolerance for speeders.

Comment by Swear Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:35 pm
Now that we got that swearin in out of the way, I want to let you know that yous and all the other state troopers pay will be cut 30%. I know all that servin, protectin, and catchin bag guys is a lot of work, but you all make too much money. Keep up the good work! I’m in your corner

Comment by Joe M Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:44 pm
Okay…our hands are raised…now let’s see…what’s next here? Only four more pages of instructions…

Comment by Commonsense in Illinois Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:51 pm
Who are you wearing, Rick Flair?

Comment by Amalia Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:53 pm
No, to get on this roller-coaster, you need to be this tall.

Comment by Republicrat Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 3:57 pm
Do you solemy swear to get the ISP as fit and strong as you are Mr. Flair? Do you swear to tan every Tuesday of the week and place oil on my back when you finish?

Comment by WWF FAN Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:06 pm
While, I found almost every caption funny, Rich, you knocked it out of the park with the very first one! Bravo. Bravo

Comment by Union Leader Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:09 pm
Executive order I shall be saluted in this manner

Comment by Anonymous Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:17 pm
Rauner: “Do you solemnly swear to go after that guy from Nigeria who sent me the email that…”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:22 pm
Rauner: “Hop on one foot. Ha! Gotcha! Didn’t say, ‘Governor says’ hop on one foot!”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:23 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to go to Armani for the new ISP uniforms?”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:24 pm
=== - Rich Miller - Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 1:37 pm

“By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane…”===

Ok, that is genius, lol.

“Caption”

“Do you solemnly swear to keep Evelyn from slipping and falling, especially on state property?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:25 pm
“Do you solemnly swear you won’t get to the bottom of this ‘Lizard People’ conspiracy thingie?”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:26 pm
Rauner: “Okay, quiz question. How many bullets did Andy give Barney for his revolver?”

Leo: “Uh, one?”

Rauner: “Bingo! And that’s all my budget allows for.”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:28 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to personally visit the barber who gave me this haircut?”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:29 pm
Rauner: “Hard hat, bad. Necktie, good.”

Leo: “Excuse me?”

Rauner: “Sorry. Just thinkin’ out loud.”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:31 pm
Rich wins first, second, and third place.

This one flipped the Miller switch.

caption: “…applies to everyone but me and Grif.”

Comment by walker Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:31 pm
Rauner: “Hey, it says here I get to visit the Twinkie factory any time I want.”

Leo: “Congratulations, sir.”

Rauner; “Yeah. I’m more of an eclair man.”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:32 pm
Rauner: “Everybody raise their hand who thinks Boss Hogg was cooler than Roscoe P. Coltrane.”

Comment by Streator Curmudgeon Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:34 pm
“Oh, no! I had the oath written on that hand.”

Comment by Central Scrutinizer Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 4:53 pm
you are now under the my cone of silence

Comment by jt Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 5:10 pm
- BLIND - … “Get off my lawn!!”

“Caption?”

“Do you solemnly swear to use speed traps for good, not for evil?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 5:24 pm
Lots of lawns that need kids to stay off.

Rauner’s the governor, it’s his shop.

“Caption?”

“Do you solemnly swear to make my trashcan van a police vehicle, with the lights, and the siren and the S.C.M.O.D.S.?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 5:52 pm
Wow Rich - Take out yours and there’s only a handful. Put back your funny ones and there is still only the same handful.

Here’s mine. “Do you swear to wear the tiny hat all your predecessors did?”.

Comment by Weltschmerz Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 7:14 pm
You’re welcome - Weltschmerz -,

“Caption?”

“Do you swear to keep all campaign props in a cool dry place until needed?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 8:20 pm
“Do you solemnly swear to never reveal the devine secrets of t
the Ya Ya brotherhood of the traveling Carhartt?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 8:24 pm
“Leo, before we begin; you’re the bad cop to my good cop. You’ll know when. Ready?”

Comment by Oswego Willy Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 8:40 pm
“His name is my name, too!. Whenever we’re about, the people jump and shout….”

Comment by Newsclown Wednesday, Mar 4, 15 @ 8:44 pm
Woo!

Comment by Rick Flair Thursday, Mar 5, 15 @ 12:46 pm