Cyclone contest!
Tuesday, Oct 26, 2010 - Posted by Rich Miller
* My intern Barton Lorimor asked me late last night if I’d heard about the cyclone heading for Chicago. I hadn’t, but I looked it up on the Interwebtubes and discovered the media was reporting that ALL CHICAGOANS ARE GOING TO DIE!!! OK, let’s hope nobody gets hurt. Seriously. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone.
Anyway, here is a very small portion of our subsequent online instant messaging. Much of it, as you might imagine, was unprintable…
BARTON: I’m sure Mark Kirk has some combat experience that could save us all
RICH: Pat Quinn will give the storm a capital project to settle it down
BARTON: Only if Vaught goes with
RICH: Brady will cut the storm’s strength by ten percent
RICH: But he’ll actually have to cut it by 40 percent, so he’ll raise taxes instead
BARTON: Bobby Schilling says it doesn’t believe in the Constitution
RICH: Steve Brown, of course, will say that the storm is “under review”
BARTON: Ramey says this wouldn’t have happened if we had just dealt with the state’s immigration policy
RICH: Rich Whitney will protest that the storm didn’t invite him
BARTON: Bill Black can’t understand why we’re talking about this and not the budget
RICH: And then resign. AGAIN
BARTON: Will Burns just introduced the cyclone hair braiding permit bill
RICH: My interns will videotape it and die
BARTON: Meh, send Dan
Your turn.
And keep it clean, campers. I don’t have time to police your every word today. Plus, I was up late joking with Barton last night. I’m tired.
Funniest commenter gets to buy drinks for Barton.
- Reddbyrd - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 6:24 am:
I am running for big rocks to put in Barton’s pockets so he does not end blogging in eastern Kentucky
- wordslinger - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 6:59 am:
From Tom Skilling at WGN News Weather Report:
I’ve never seen such an idiotic, racist, sexist, homophobic cyclone in my life. The cyclone will make us work for $3 an hour, have its babies, lock us up and shoot us in the head.
- Louis G. Atsaves - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:03 am:
Dan Seals runs an ad claiming cyclone endorsed Robert Dold
- south side - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:09 am:
lol! Thanks for the morning giggle as I head out of Chicago to Springfield via Amtrak to escape the cyclone……perhaps I can mull over to the Capitol to take another look at the budget…
Love me some Bill Black!! ;p
- Rue The Day - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:09 am:
OMG ! ITS KANSAS !!!!
- Nieva - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:12 am:
Chicago says,You call this wind. We got politicans that can blow this storm back to the west coast!!
- Jeff - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:16 am:
Scott Lee Cohen will loan it another $1 million.
- Davey Boy Smithe - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:18 am:
Mathias “Paddy” Bauler says Chicago ain’t ready for a cyclone.
(I’m here at the CBOE, it’s getting nasty.)
- Wensicia - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:20 am:
Obama will fly in, raise his hand over the storm and immediately calm the winds, stay the lightning, stop the torrential rain. Proving yet again he is divine, all will fall to their knees and vow to vote Democratic.
- South of I-80 - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:25 am:
Careen Gordon: Sue Rezin’s house is so big that the Republican Caucus will ride out the cyclone in her basment!
- Skeeter - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:28 am:
Quinn will spend six months talking about the high winds and massive destructive force.
Hendon will call it a “storm” and the Chicago media will demand thhat Quinn renounce Hendon’s comment.
- Davey Boy Smithe - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:32 am:
Nothing but sunshine over Rahm’s head today.
- Quinn T. Sential - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:34 am:
Power lines arcing and snapping in a wide area in my region; with a lot of school kids out on the streets and heading to bus stops. Increased emergency dispatch radio traffic of ensuing fires.
This is no joke; hopefully no citizens or first responders get lit up.
- Bill - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:42 am:
Don’t worry. Rahm is in charge here at storm central and everything is under control.
- Downstater - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:45 am:
Mayor Daley decides it’s an appropriate time to leave (office) town.
Jesse Jackson Jr. reports that the cyclone is only a social acquaintance and that someone else paid it’s journey to Chicago.
- Soccermom - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:52 am:
Not to be all serious, but will Bill Clinton be able to get in this morning?
- Old Milwaukee - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:52 am:
Quinn: I hope it doesn’t kill any stray cats or dogs.
Brady: Hurricane Quinn is ruining our state.
Simon: The cyclone should reveal its tax returns.
Plummer: What’s a cyclone?
Alexi: I knew a guy named “cyclone” once. He owes me money.
Kirk: I was once shot at in a cyclone.
- Reddbyrd - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:57 am:
If Capt Fax ws up late “joking with Barton” whatever that is code for….I am guessing the silly sauce got all cycloned in his head and produced the latest pep rally for StateWideTom in this a.m. C.F. …someone might want to tell SWT that his candidates are only lit dropping pcts now +/-/0 door to door
- bored now - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:06 am:
The cyclone came to town and all I got was this lousy t-shirt…
- How Ironic - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:14 am:
Mike Madigan thinks “I sure hope that cyclone doesn’t destroy this years red delicious crop…then he shouts INTERN- Get to Jewel and buy up all the apples!”
- Frank Skeffington, Jr. - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:15 am:
Not to worry. While the winds were clocked at 150 mph, since Alexi took control a short time ago they’ve been instantly reduced to 77 mph.
- WRMNpolitics - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:29 am:
The cyclone will be blamed on Pres. George W. Bush and the republicans as an example of their failed policy to control weather through tight governmental regulation.
- zatoichi - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:31 am:
Don Wade reporting: “The cyclones tsunami will wipe out the beaches in Cicero.”
Roma:”Some Healthy Trinity will solve that problem.”
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:34 am:
The Cyclone is a remnant from when Sandi found about JJJ’s “social acquaintance”
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:39 am:
Bill Foster informed everyone that the cyclone is Randy Hultgren’s fault since he once stood outside and his employer once had a outdoor picnic.
- Siriusly - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:41 am:
“Failed Mob Banker” Alexi Giannoulias says he didn’t know the extent of the storm, even though he was standing outside shaking hands for most of the morning.
Mark Kirk just told me that he personally diverted the storm so that it won’t come here.
- Old Shepherd - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:43 am:
Oh look…a kitty flying at 60 mph!
- Siriusly - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:44 am:
Bob Fioretti said that the people are demanding that he get involved and fight this storm.
Wait, now he says he will fight the storm soon.
Wait, now Fioretti has decided not to fight the storm because he realized that nobody was calling on him for help and that he has no chance.
- How Ironic - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:47 am:
Scott Lee Cohen is denying reports that he offered the cyclone $500 to “throw some debris his way”
- VoterUSA - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:53 am:
Kirk is clicking his heals…”There is no place like home, there is no place like home”.
- Anon - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:56 am:
8th district candidate Joe Walsh will insist the storm stop in its tracks to recite the pledge of allegiance. When it doesn’t, his supporters will denounce it as a plot by Chairman Maobama to turn us all into Communists. The cyclone will then send Joe a bill for its publicity services, which Joe will not pay.
- Honest Abe - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:57 am:
Alright. It’s a cyclone people. Early voting closes on Thursday, I want all of you Chicagoans who are evacuating to head directly to the nearest polling place and cast your ballots now because in a few hours you may well be dead. Don’t worry about your personal safety, just vote. For those of you who are about to die, we will be voting for you in the upcoming mayoral election.
- Gordon Lightfoot - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:57 am:
This storm is supposed to rival the one that sank the Edmund Fitzgerald. Hmmm, maybe I have one more good song left in me….
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 8:58 am:
The BGA and Chicago Magazine have done an extensive report on how the Cyclone is Berrios’ fault and if he is elected we will have daily Cyclones.
However Claypool can reform the weather even though he used to run the weather machine.
- in absentia - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:00 am:
Dan Rutherford picked up Judy Baar Topinka in his Pongee car and headed for high ground…
- Ghost - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:02 am:
Quinn entered into an agreement with AFSCME to protect Chicago from the cyclone in exchange for no layoffs… AFSCME plan was to sacrifice the States last few merti Comp employees to appease the wind god….
Plummer applide his background in creationsim to analyze the problem, and immediately ordered that all apples be removed from the city….
Brady sponsored a bill to have the State sieze the land in the path of the cyclone and give it to brady’s Company so he can get an insurance payour for the damage and right off the loss to avoid paying taxes another year.
- Ghost - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:02 am:
*merit
- View from the Cheap Seats - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:03 am:
Can the cyclone bring the Bears a new offensive line?
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:03 am:
Berrios said the cyclone appeared just because he denied it’s request for a property tax reduction
- unspun - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:04 am:
We’re safe! SEUI bused in enough folks to build a human levee around the City.
- Ghost - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:05 am:
Rich Whitney proclaimed the cyclone was an atempt by the machine to deny him votes; he then went back to sleep.
- Secret Square - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:07 am:
Debris from Brady/Plummer and Quinn/Simon campaign signs will be found as far away as Ohio today.
- Bluefish - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:10 am:
The RGA just dumped $1.5 million into the cyclone’s campaign account.
- Pleading the fifth - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:12 am:
Quinn touts the Cyclone as another victory in his Put Illinois to Work program.
- South of I-80 - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:12 am:
The House Dems better watch out for falling “Houses”!!
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:14 am:
The IFT is not endorsing the storm, but is giving it a lot of money just because….
- Steve Downstate - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:15 am:
If Roland Burris survives the cyclone, he will add that to his tombstone: “First U.S. Sentator to be spared by a Chicago cyclone.”
If he were not to survive, he has indicated to aides, the inscription should read: “First U.S. Senator to be targeted by a cyclone: Roland Burris was struck down by this mechanism of the Democratic Establishment.”
- Waco Kid - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:16 am:
The cyclone could have dissipated, but since Illinois is so far behind on it’s payments to the Weather Control Satellite Company we got stuck with it.
- How Ironic - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:16 am:
Ricky Hendon calls the cyclone the ‘most racist, homophobic, anti-woman cyclone he’s EVER seen’. Clarifying his remarks he said “well, it was kind of scary”.
- Who Cares - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:16 am:
When asked how he would solve Illinois largest fiscal deficit if elected governor, Bill Brady replied, “the answer is blowing in the wind.”
- No Name Nick - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:23 am:
Look! There’s a kitty. No over there. no over there. Oops over there!
- A.B. - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:31 am:
Giannoulias - this cyclone is just another voter suppression tactic by Mark Kirk!
- YUCKS - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:37 am:
Dennis Ahern announces that the storm will not get his vote for Speaker.
Richie Morthland counters with a press release insisting that Ahern and the storm want to raise your taxes.
- Oakland - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:41 am:
In mid sentance Governor Quinn on the 16th Floor of the Thompson Center says, “squirrel.”
- Elmhurst - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:43 am:
John Kass blames the cyclone on “the combine”
The storm will finally let up after Michael Madigan glares at it.
- Secret Square - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:43 am:
The Capitol Fax Political Storm Prediction Center has placed all of Illinois in a High Risk for an outbreak of severe campaign rhetoric, damaging news leaks, destructive character attacks, and attack ads gusting to 75 words per minute until 7 p.m. next Tuesday.
- Anonymous - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 9:50 am:
Brady: I’m glad the Illinois will now be blown into Indiana.
- washedmyhands - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:00 am:
NEWS BULLETIN…cyclone causes Illinois House to fall on Speaker Madigan. Munchkins gasp in amazement as Tom “Dorothy” Cross and Bill “Toto” Brady lead celebration down pothole filled yellow brick road.
- Aldyth - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:02 am:
Tom Dart announced that he will proceed with the eviction of the cyclone, whether there is a court order or not.
- Jake L - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:03 am:
November 27, 2010
AP
Cook County President Todd Stroger hires Cyclone despite reports that the storm caused $3,000,000 in damage to Cook County in late October. Stroger said he had no problem with the Cyclone and that once again the media is out to get him.
- Berkeley Bear - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:05 am:
Phil Hare announces that Bobby Schilling wants to sign a free trade with the cyclone.
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:08 am:
Tomorrows Trib Headline
Cyclone Has Minimal Impact on Rahm
- Jake L - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:09 am:
Patrick Fitzgerald announces that this Cyclone’s winds are so strong that it will make Lincoln roll over in his grave.
- Anonymous - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:10 am:
Chicago: Mayor Daley today announced that the City had leased its rights to cyclones for the next 99 years for $1.1 billion to a Middle East sovereign wealth fund consortium. The money will be used this year to fill a budget gap, and will enable the City to fix most of its current potholes.
- Ron Burgundy - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:13 am:
A house just fell on Christine O’Donnell.
- D.P. Gumby - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:13 am:
“This Cyclone is the product of American Crosswinds and is not sponsored or endorsed by any political candidate.”
- Thoughts... - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:14 am:
Bill Brady: Look, Gov. Quinn isn’t being honest about the state of the Cyclone. Once we’re in office, we’re going to need a forensic audit of the cyclone. Only then can we really get to the issue and cut the cyclone by 10%
- Amalia - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:15 am:
God announces that he has sent the cyclone to blow some sense into the minds of Notre Dame football fans.
- Ron Burgundy - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:20 am:
Quinn: “You think there’s some twisting in the wind going on out there? I’LL show you twisting in the wind!”
- John Ruberry - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:20 am:
Not dead yet.
- mongoose - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:27 am:
We preemptively created a Cyclone Survivor page. Nothing like getting ahead of the storm!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Survived-the-Great-2010-Chicago-Cyclone/135532726498518?v=wall
- frustrated GOP - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:27 am:
Dart: ” I’m not saying Rahm brought this on, but we never had weather like this when he was lived in Washington.”
Or
Jerry Clark was last seen speeding away after leaving Jason Plummer in the middle of a corn field. Plummer’s whereabouts are unknown.
- Living in Oklahoma - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:35 am:
Brandon Phelps and Gary Forby hold joint Press conference. Announce Cyclone is for Right to Carry.
- quicknote - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:43 am:
Independent Cyclone for Governor. NOT a career weather system.
- Cincinnatus - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:49 am:
Quinn: “Call the Emergency Response Unit and… Oh, look, a kitty”
- casual observer - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:52 am:
Blagojevich attorneys ask for another trial extension to allow time for Rod’s hair to recover from the “Chiclone”.
- dgd - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:55 am:
Joe Berrios says he would have supported the cyclone if it had won the Democratic primary.
- Really?? - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 11:04 am:
Bill Brady says if we want to be more like Texas, than we need to have even MORE cyclones. They are number one in the country in this category, and if you want Illinois to catch up, we need change.
- Francis - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 11:05 am:
Eddy Sullivan would ask if this was a “Jobs Cyclone”
- Liandro - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 11:27 am:
Gov. Quinn showed footage of wind blowing people over, then asked in an utterly appalled voice, “Who IS this storm?”
Bill Brady said not to worry, Porsches can power right through it.
Alexi accused Kirk of exaggerating past storm experience.
Kirk responded by hiring Alexi to manage the storm and thus guarenteeing it’s failure.
Phil Hare immediately put up an ad detailing how Bobby Schilling supported the storm’s blowing of jobs overseas.
Bill Foster blamed TARP for the storm, somehow ignoring that he voted for TARP.
Deborah Halverson doesn’t pay enough attention to her district to know there is a storm nearby, so she smiled at the camera and hurredly walked into a fundraiser that was full of her “constituants”.
FWIW, though, Wordslinger made me laugh the hardest.
- We Todd Did - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 12:16 pm:
Chicagoans are unimpressed with the cyclone, says one long time resident “You think that blows hard? We see much worse at Wrigley Field 80 times a year”
- MrJM - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 12:23 pm:
Tribune editorial scolds cyclone for failing to get its financial house in order. Bankruptcy continues.
Sneedling: Psst… Is Lisa Madigan considering stepping in to challenge cyclone?
Redline headline: Which cyclone is right for you? Experts match low pressure systems to your body-type.
– MrJM
- OurMagician - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 12:30 pm:
Pat Quinn hugged the cyclone but said later the cyclone has it’s right to do what it does but that he doesn’t agree with the destruction necessarily.
- Nearly Normal - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 12:34 pm:
John Kass is reporting that the cyclone is another one of the dasterdly deeds of the Combine. Problem was the Combine caused a “depression” over the city and that with the usual wind and hot air has set up the city for disaster.
- Cheswick - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 12:39 pm:
It’s a liberal conspiracy to draw attention away from the election.
- Vote Quimby! - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:01 pm:
Jay Hoffman says his opponent Dwight Kay created a hostile workplace by not paying for damage and injuries caused by the cyclone.
- 47th Ward - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:13 pm:
Damage reports from Will County include wide spread power outages and hundreds of missing Cedra Crenshaw yard signs. A You Tube posted by the Crenshaw campaign shows all other candidates’ signs intact and unharmed. The Crenshaw campaign demanded an investigation by the National Weather Service of the Wilhelmi campaign, which was accused of staging the cyclone in an attempt to keep her voters uninformed and in the dark.
- Jake from Elwood - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:15 pm:
Dateline Munich: German hard rock supergroup “The Scorpions” hold fundraiser in the City of Chicago to benefit candidates whose lawn signs were blown away by the high winds just a mere week before Election Day. They open up with their classic “Rock You Like A Cyclone.”
No funds are provided to Republican State Rep. Candidate Patrick John Ryan because, well, his campaign did not produce any yard signs.
- Anonymous - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:27 pm:
Will County State’s Attorney James Glasgow today announced the arrest of Joe Smith for starting the cyclone that assaulted the county yesterday. Glasgow said that four eyewitnesses “positively identified” Smith as starting the cyclone, and that Smith had confessed to the crime, after being held overnight by police.
Attorney John Doe, retained by Smith’s family, said that prosecutors got the wrong man. Doe claimed that Smith was at home the entire time, and that his wife and mother-in-law would prove his alibi. In addition, Doe cast doubt on the possibility that Smith could have started the cyclone.
Smith is being held until trial on $10 million bail.
- OneMan - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:39 pm:
After realizing the hurricane ‘category’ scale and the Enhanced Fujita Scale used for tornadoes were insufficient to measure the storm properly. Scientists at Northwestern developed the Blago scale based on how much the wind messed up his hair.
Todays storm was slightly mussed…
- Cincinnatus - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 1:54 pm:
The cyclone was determined to have started as a result of the vortex created by Democrats flushing down the toilet.
- Secret Square - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 2:17 pm:
“Scientists at Northwestern developed the Blago scale”
Ranging from BS-1 (slight ruffling of The Hair) to BS-5 (incredible damage, i.e. leaving him completely bald).
- Monstrum - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 4:51 pm:
People guessed Rahm’s mayoral campaign would take Chicago by storm. Who knew he had the money/clout to influence mother nature?
Maybe he just twisted her arm. Really hard.
- Oswego Willy - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 4:56 pm:
Hope I am not too late … from a post I made earlier …
“It appears there might even be a cyclone out there today, so we sent Bill Cameron to investigate, Bill?”
“Actually, its just ‘breezy’ barely tossing my hair … it was probably the most unenthusiastic Cyclone that I, WLS veteran political reporter Bill Cameron, has ever witnessed.
The Cyclone was an hour late and droned on for another hour, sending dozens of the few hundred tree leaves in attendance toward bon fire piles.”
- Jeff - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 6:36 pm:
Speaker Madigan had no comment on the cyclone.
- Anonymous - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:12 pm:
Cyclones cause higher taxes. Vote Republican and you can stop cyclones.
- Oswego Willy - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 7:38 pm:
The Cyclone left the gun, but took the cannoli
- In the Sticks - Tuesday, Oct 26, 10 @ 10:10 pm:
Sheila Simon teamed up with other Democratic candidates to create an appropriate fund-raising song to raise funds to replace yard signs following the cyclone. She creates “We are the Candidates”, following past success of “We are the World”.
- Brian - Wednesday, Oct 27, 10 @ 3:09 am:
Weatherbug will provide a comparison study with other natural disasters… Rich won’t run the story because they fail to include Hurricane Hugo by name in the report (listed generically as “other disasters”).