So one night the princess went to sleep, as she had on all the other nights, atop those 28 mattresses and 28 feather beds.
Yet so sensitive was she that she felt something bothering her. She just couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned. She could feel a bothersome itch right in the middle of her back.
The servants ran to help and removed the 28 mattresses and the 28 feather beds, but found nothing.
“Wait!” said Princess Lisa. “What’s this?”
There, at the bottom of the pile, on the ground, was a tiny, dry, little pea.
She had felt it through all the mattresses and all the feather beds representing the years of her father’s reign. She placed it in her flawless palm, and like magic, it opened. Inside was a mysterious note with many numbers. The servants ran to inform Mike of Madiganistan.
“This is nothing,” said the terrible Mike. “All it says is that the peasants owe $100 billion in unfunded state pension liabilities. Don’t worry, they’ll pay and they’ll like it. Go to sleep, honey.”
So the servants reassembled the bed, the 28 mattresses and the 28 feather beds, and soon Princess Lisa was fast asleep.
And the next morning, after a night of uneasy dreams, she felt as if she’d been transformed.
All was right with the world. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the peasants were shrieking their piteous cries of woe. The princess climbed down for breakfast with her father.
And just before a servant brought her a silver bowl of Lucky Charms, she asked Mike of Madiganistan a question:
“Daddy,” she asked, “can I be governor now?”
- Cassiopeia - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:35 am:
This isn’t very well written and his attempt at satire falls flat.
- wordslinger - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:36 am:
I get it. She’s a woman and her father is the speaker. So she’s a princess.
That’s very subtle. I actually didn’t get it the first ten times Kass published the same column.
- Downstate - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:37 am:
Lisa likability is high. If I’m Daley or Rauner, I’d make the campaign against her a referendum on Mike Madigan’s running of the state.
“It’s Mike Madigan running for Governor!”
- Small Town Liberal - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:37 am:
Something is deeply wrong with John Kass, and getting wronger.
- Raising Kane - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:37 am:
Kass outdid himself with this one. It is really hard for me to have less respect for him….but today he hit a new low. And btw..he needs to realize that is nothing like Royko..he isn’t funny, clever or amusing.
- Anonymous - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:42 am:
So, this morning I was reading the Chicago Tribune when I came across a blinking neon sign that read: “Here are the limits of my talent.”
Metaphor shmetaphor, Kass.
- Very Old Soil - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:43 am:
I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be insightful or funny?
Maybe if there was a beer-can chicken beneath 28 feet of Kass columns.
- the Patriot - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:45 am:
On point. Just because people in the Media won’t hold Lisa accountable or point out the complete lack of intellect in her actions because of who her father is does not make it so. For example.
1. Comments on delaying CCW rulings because of chaos that will ensue points to the fact she is abusing the system for political reasons, not that she has any articulable idea on how to win the case.
2. Her office made numerous comments about fraud in work comp cases. She is the only one with the authority to prosecute said millions of dollars in fraud statewide, yet she has failed to file a single charge.
3. She won’t say anything on how to defend the Senate’s pension proposal because her father does not want her too.
If you think Mike Madigan is doing a swell job and giving him absolute control of the governor is a good idea, vote for Lisa, if you think she would make a good governor because of her intellect and accomplishments, go pet your unicorn.
- steve schnorf - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:50 am:
Mr Kass, in his continuing struggle to escape the shadow of Mike Royko, tries harder and harder and fails shorter and shorter. For all his shortcomings Royko understood the soul of the city: Mr Kass understands only the dark side.
- schwartzee - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:54 am:
This is nothing but male chauvinistic drivel.
- DJ 8 - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:54 am:
I thought it was funny. Lisa seems like a nice person but governor material she is not.
My biggest issue with her is that in the most corrupt state she has never made an corruption arrest of any politician.
- archimedes - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:54 am:
When the satire is dependent on the gender or race of the target it becomes sexist or racist.
- Chicago Cynic - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:54 am:
Schnorf is exactly right. On day one, I knew his column was going to be a disaster when he clumsily copied Royko’s Slats Grobnik character. Nothing has changed - it has only gotten worse.
- Knome Sane - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:55 am:
@Steve Schnorf =Mr Kass understands only the dark side.=
I would add that the dark side is just the dark recesses of his mind and his perception of the world.
- John A Logan - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:55 am:
I thought it was funny. Everyone is so sensitive around here from time to time. Myself included. It’s a clever presentation of what a large number of Illinois residents believe to be true, that Mike Madigan runs the show, and Lisa awaits his decisions like so many others.
- ZC - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:56 am:
If only Lisa were an 80 year old male patronage hanger-on for Vrdolyak, then Kass might have written her a weird bittersweet tribute… “Yeah sure it’s kinda wrong, but ah those were the days…”
- BR - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:57 am:
100 Billion on peoples property tax bills because of ridiculous promised benefits to retired teachers is going to make a lot of people very angry. Karen Lewis isn’t going to have many friends…
- Robert the Bruce - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:58 am:
If you’re going to write a sexist column, try to be, you know, clever.
Lisa Madigan’s opponents shouldn’t overplay their hands with the disgusting daddy’s girl line of attack.
- OneMan - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:00 am:
You know there were a lot of better ways to make the point and actually be funny…
- Whatever - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:00 am:
How does this stuff get by an editor?
- wordslinger - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:01 am:
–100 Billion on peoples property tax bills because of ridiculous promised benefits to retired teachers –
What are you talking about?
- zatoichi - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:02 am:
That take about 10 minutes to type?
- hisgirlfriday - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:03 am:
Will we also get to hear about how Bill Daleys political career is thanks to daddy also? Or does just the female politician get the “daddy” treatment from Kass?
- Jim - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:03 am:
Oh, how people hate reading the truth about the political status quo in Illinois/Chicago.
- Mouthy - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:05 am:
Tripe.
- So. ILL - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:06 am:
The funniest part about this whole thing is that if you scroll down a little bit, this type of gender-based bashing is labeled xenophobic, racist, etc…
Is it not accurate to say that Lisa Madigan has won elections by putting herself out there and running? Has she not been a successful AG? She has been very popular, I think, and has a legit chance of winning the Gov. race based on her credentials and performance. I don’t necessarily want her to win the Gov. race, but how about some continuity in slamming gender-based garbage like this?
- Chicago Cynic - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:13 am:
Jim,
I hate the status quo and am happy to have it written about. But I think Kass is a no-talent hack who has no business having a newspaper column.
- And I Approved This Message - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:14 am:
John - Just to be clear, the mushrooms you find in the forest are the ones you’re NOT supposed to eat.
- Wensicia - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:19 am:
Interesting pair of attacks today. Which is worse, the “Princess” sneer or the “Queen” rant on Erika Harold?
To me, it’s pretty close. Kass’ attempted snark doesn’t hide the ugliness within his column, but Allen’s blatant racism gives him the edge.
- Shore - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:19 am:
spot on.
- Lil Squeezy - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:37 am:
After her father told her everything would be ok, she felt comfortable enough to ask his permission to be Governor. Wow.
- A. Nonymous - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:45 am:
Kass and Byrne need to be retired to NewsMax or Ill Review.
@ DJ 8 - “My biggest issue with her is that in the most corrupt state”
Don’t insult Louisiana like that.
“she has never made an corruption arrest of any politician.”
She had Blago under investigation but the Feds told her to halt so the state law enforcement didn’t step on the FBI’s toes.
I’m not exactly a fan of L-Mad but why is it that anti-Lisa partisans always ignore this fact?
- Ghost - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:52 am:
Kass’ editor: “payment? for this? Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.”
- BR - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:56 am:
Wordslinger… Unless they find a Pot o’ Gold… or can start printing US currency, the Teachers Pension fund which is 100 Billion in the hole will invariably end up back at the local school districts that gave away the benefits and subsequently on Property Tax Bills.
- Calhoun Native - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:59 am:
Kass should go polish his shtick.
- steve schnorf - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:05 pm:
BR, you’re on the wrong site. People who post here are expected to have at least some knowledge of what they post about
- wordslinger - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:08 pm:
BR, now I know that both of us have no idea what you’re talking about.
- John - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:10 pm:
Looks like the Speaker’s staff is on here rather than working on fixing the pension crisis.
- Anonymous - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:14 pm:
Vom.
- soccermom - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:17 pm:
To say that i don’t work for the Speaker is something of an understatement. But I have to say - I found this so offensive on so many levels. I don’t think you have to be Gloria Steinem to find something deeply troubling about a grown woman - the attorney general of Illinois — being cast as a little princess.
And let me point out that there are places in this world where people really do get their tongues cut out for dissent. It is offensive to everyone who has ever put his/her own life on the line — and the lives of those that they love — to make stupid, pointless jokes about such things
- siriusly - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:17 pm:
Kass is creepy and weird. I haven’t read him in years, but the headline drew me in today. I couldn’t even finish the column, so odd and ridiculous.
- wordslinger - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:17 pm:
–Looks like the Speaker’s staff is on here rather than working on fixing the pension crisis.–
Whoa, what a snappy comeback, John. Which took longer to come up with — that devastating burn or the Princess column?
- Gunderstank - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:20 pm:
== Something is deeply wrong with John Kass, and getting wronger. ==
It’s pretty clear that it’s unrequited love, I just can’t tell which one of them is the object of his affections.
I just wish I could tell him gently “John, let it go. Find an alderman or a county commissioner who loves you as much as you do, and be content.”
- Century Club - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:21 pm:
==3. She won’t say anything on how to defend the Senate’s pension proposal because her father does not want her too.==
I’m not aware that she has said anything about any of the pension proposals. Politically, it’s lose-lose for her to wade in to that mess. The insinuation that she is staying out because her father has ordered to has no basis. If she were doing her father’s bidding she’d be running around discrediting the Senate proposal.
- Fred's Mustache - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:23 pm:
Disgusting
- anon - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:30 pm:
Lisa Madigan, like other politician children of politician fathers, gets both the benefits and the liabilities of their lineage. There is no denying that the Speaker has been an effective blocking back for Lisa throughout her public career, and that she has enjoyed advantages that other elected officials had to earn “the hard way.” Getting ribbed about it is a small price to pay. She probably won’t lose any sleep over Kass’ column, no pun intended.
- West Side the Best Side - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:38 pm:
The Trib should do both John Kass and whatever readers he has left a big favor by moving him somewhere else in the paper. He must feel by being in Mike Royko’s spot that he has to be like Mike - something that will never happen. The readers go there and are kept in a constant state of mourning for the loss of Mike Royko when they are faced with the Trib’s failed attempt to properly fill that space.
- Langhorne - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:44 pm:
High school creative writing class: C to C-
Sophomoric name calling
- Josh - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 12:55 pm:
Kass has become the Jay Mariotti of the front page. All he offers is mockery and name calling. I have decided to treat him like I would any other troll: Ignore him.
If the Tribune wants to keep him on their front page, well, that’s a reflection on them.
By the way, if you want to see a clever adaptation of The Princess And The Pea, check out “The Princess And The Packet Of Frozen Peas”, by Tony Wilson. I read it to my daughters the other night and found it quite enjoyable. Certainly more worthy of a few minutes of your time than Kass’s drivel.
- TooManyJens - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 1:02 pm:
Dear Lord, there’s a video too?
Also, when I went to look at the article, I got a pop-up ad for some kind of scammy “clean your computer” software. Get yourself together, Trib.
- Willie Stark - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 1:05 pm:
Kass’ biggest sin is that he is lazy. He is a slovenly, tired personality who has not had an original thought since his first year as a columnist. Chicago is filled with great writers who can offer phenomenal insights into our complicated, fascinating city and state. Instead, we get his recycled, witless (see today’s “effort”), muddle-brained hash. One more count in the long indictment against what the Tribune has become: an irrelevant laughingstock that is nowhere near as smart as the average person in the city it calls home. For all the railing the Trib does for accountability, there is none within its own ranks, especially the editorial board. We deserve so much better.
- Cook County Commoner - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 1:28 pm:
“Don’t worry, they’ll pay and they’ll like it.”
Unless Speaker Madigan’s pension reform bill was some form of bizarre head fake, I think he understands that private sector Illinois voters won’t like it and they won’t want to pay it once the fiscal pain really begins. Kass should at least try to be accurate when he thinks he’s being cute.
- low level - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 1:31 pm:
Says much more about J.Kass than anything else.
Hey John-remember the time I called WGN when you were “substituting” for Prof. Paul Green on Paul and the Paulitions back in the day? It was when you came up with that thought that Daley decided not to run again because Ald. Wagespauk called for the famous forensic audit.
Remember I said, “I really wish Professor Green were there. At least he knows what he is talking about.” Then I took your points, one by one, and demolished your “observations”. You got so upset you threw a temper tantrum.
I see nothing has changed.
- IrishPirate - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 1:54 pm:
Is this poorly written drivel on the part of John “Rat a Tat Tat” Kass?
Yes.
Are some of you missing the forest for the trees in this discussion?
Yes.
Is Lisa Madigan popular?
Yes.
If she runs for governor, and at this point I’d guess she won’t, her best day in the polls will be the day she announces. After that it’s all downhill.
She’s extremely vulnerable to attacks because of who her dad is, how she managed to get elected to the State Senate and AG’s office and her own independence.
My fellow dems, and you can blame President Obama for this one, blew a senate seat when Alexi G, was nominated. Barring strong Republican years nationally and extremely weak Dem candidates the dems should win EVERY statewide contest EVERY time.
Nominate Lisa Madigan and either of the other three stooges, Quinn and Daley, and you may see the Dems losing.
Of course I have great hope that the Grand Old Party will nominate someone from the “legitimate rape” nutjob wing of their party.
As in our last Governor’s race two unelectable candidates face each other in the general election. One had to win. Flip a coin and it may come up Democrat. I can only hope.
- Cincinnatus - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 2:24 pm:
Whenever there is a post mentioning Lisa and Mike in the same story, I always think back to a story Rich ran a while back about how certain topics were private communications between them. Fine if we’re talking about the kids, but if I remember, that story was about state business.
I’m sure that any gubernatorial candidate has that story in the files, Republican and Democrat alike. Rightfully so, this is a very disturbing statement that we should all consider.
- steve schnorf - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 2:38 pm:
I think some of you are projecting how you raised your daughters or how you believe daughters should be raised onto the AG and the Speaker. Anyone who believes LM is docile or subservient really needs to get out and around the real world a little more.
- Small Town Liberal - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 2:46 pm:
- Fine if we’re talking about the kids, but if I remember, that story was about state business. -
Wait, was that what Dillard meant by having a traditional family in the mansion?
- whetstone - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 3:10 pm:
“And btw..he needs to realize that is nothing like Royko..he isn’t funny, clever or amusing.”
When Kass uses nicknames like “Little Princess,” I don’t hear Royko, I hear Maureen Dowd’s schtick.
- David Ormsby - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 3:59 pm:
It’s just bad writing. If he had buried a wee bit of wit rather than a dried pea under the mattress, perhaps.
- Just The Way It Is One - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:10 pm:
Hilarious spoof and right on point!!! But that Princess daughter is awfully LUCKY for her Family in that Madigan Mansion of Power, while she munches away on those “magically delicious”–to be even able to AFFORD those Lucky Charms–for those Millions of mere, struggling, over-worked and under-paid peasants scattered near and far throughOUT Madiganistan who her Pop will MAKE PAY for that $100 Billion of discomfort safely away from the Princess’ comfy little Bed, and beCAUSE of the callous policies of that devious and controlling, little Meister of Madiganistan–can only AFFORD the GENERIC bag of Lucky Charms known as “Marshmallow Mateys” which they buy at their favorite affordable store–the local DOLLAR TREE!!!
- TooManyJens - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:13 pm:
Robert McElwaine, is that you?
- dave - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:13 pm:
Jim Allen resigned today for his sexist, misogynist, and racist rant about Erica Harold.
We could only hope that John Kass (and his editors that allowed this) would see the same fate for this sexist and misogynist “humor.”
- Chavez-respecting Obamist - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:13 pm:
Without actually reading it, I would assume John Kass is being the Dan Brown of Illinois punditry–he just keeps writing the same thing, over and over, and lots of people buy it.
- Anonymous - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:24 pm:
Maybe John Kass should use the nickname Jack instead.
- Master Yoda - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 4:40 pm:
Well, to extend Mr. Schnorf’s ‘dark side’ metaphor, regardles of whether Ms. Madigan is more Padme than Sith Acolyte, Chancellor Palpatine still harbors designs on Empire rather than Republic. Blind we are not to see this coming and brewing is the great battle, mmmmmmmmm.
- Raymond - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 8:38 pm:
=== Looks like the Speaker’s staff is on here rather than working on fixing the pension crisis. ===
If that’s Kass, he’s only demonstrating he knows nothing about either the speaker’s staff or the readers/commenters of this blog.
Kass should stick with beer-can chicken (but no balsamic vinegar!), and the Trib should get him the heck out of that slot.
- wordslinger - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 10:33 pm:
–Whenever there is a post mentioning Lisa and Mike in the same story, I always think back to a story Rich ran a while back about how certain topics were private communications between them. Fine if we’re talking about the kids, but if I remember, that story was about state business.–
What’s your point? Are you under the impression that all communication among officeholders is public?
Seriously, what are you talking about?
- Esquire - Thursday, Jun 20, 13 @ 11:58 pm:
Clearly not one of the best columns by John Kass, but selective editing does wonders. The best paragraphs in the column about Illinois citizens being bled white by thieving politicians were omitted.
- Esquire - Friday, Jun 21, 13 @ 9:17 am:
@Willie Stark:
“Chicago is filled with great writers who can offer phenomenal insights into our complicated, fascinating city and state.”
If so, it is a damned shame that none of these writers went into journalism. Reading the likes of Mark Brown, Mary Mitchell and Richard Roper makes John Kass seem to be on par for the course.
- Soccertease - Friday, Jun 21, 13 @ 9:48 am:
I hadn’t seen the article or post yesterday but I thought it was kind of funny. I agree with a couple of yesterday’s posters that many of us are way too serious and need to lighten up a little.
- tominchicago - Friday, Jun 21, 13 @ 10:10 am:
“This isn’t very well written and his attempt at satire falls flat.”
An apt description of pretty much every Kass column.
- James from Wrigley - Friday, Jun 21, 13 @ 11:06 am:
“She had felt it through all the mattresses and all the feather beds representing the years of her father’s reign.”
Just like with jokes, if you have to explain your satire you have failed.
Also, did anyone else notice how the blatant sexism hides the subtle racism…just because they’re Irish does not mean they eat Lucky Charms for breakfast! (snark)