* A commenter posted this the other day. Maybe Roland Burris believes this is what really happened…
THE REAL, UNEDITED FBI SURVEILLANCE TRANSCRIPT*
(Begin recording 534)
(Assistant) Hey, how’s everything going?
RRB: Oh you know, it never stops, my hard work trying to find sources of revenue to plug the holes in that horrible budget the fine but misguided people of the Illinois General Assembly gave me. By not taking my guidance on the GRT, they’ve overspent us into a terrible hole.
(Assistant) That’s so sad. If only they’d listened to you, we’d have a surplus right now…
RRB: I KNOW! Oh, well, they are the people’s elected representatives and I must, as you know, honor their commitments, misguided as they may be. Fine, decent folks they are, to be sure, but just not as far-sighted as we are. Anyhow, I came up with a little project for the holidays coming up. You know that reclining office chair that Senator Obama used to sit in?
(Assistant) Yeah, those are really nice chairs.
RRB: Yeah, plush. When you jump into it, it’s so soft it’s like I could parachute into it. Might have some of that space-age foam in it…
(Assistant) …that’s good for a bad back, I hear…
RBB: … yeah, or something. And the leather is first-rate. If nobody wants it, I’m gonna keep it for myself, it’s worth it. Well, see, Obama doesn’t need the chair in Washington, the new guy in Springfield will probably want a new chair too, so I figured, it’s a pretty famous chair, and people LOVE to buy souvenir stuff, you know. Jim Thompson told me, collecting antiques is BIG money. So, I thought we could…
(Assistant) …Sell the chair?
RRB: …yeah, sell this actual chair, like in an auction, on ebay or something, or let that fine Gianoullias boy auction it for us, I think he does that stuff, and send the money to the general revenue fund. I’m not gonna give it up for (REDACTED) nothing, though. It’s a valuable thing. We could get, I dunno, a couple thousand for it. At least. That’s just a spit in the ocean, I know, it’s not the cure for cancer or anything…
(Assistant) How’s that project coming, by the way? Got the test tubes I sent over?
RRB: Oh, well, you know, if I had a little more research money to throw at it, I think we’d turn the corner on it finally, this stem-cell thing I’m playing with I feel certain is the answer… but wouldn’t you know it, the money’s tied up in building excess hospitals to treat symptoms instead of more research for the cure… I wish we could do something about that…
(Assistant) I’ll see what I can do… anyhow, this chair of Obama’s?
RRB: Yes, I’ve got this thing here in the rec room, and it’s (REDACTED) golden: hardly worn, I just checked it over and took some pictures of it for the ebay page. I think a lot of people would be interested in having it.
(Assistant) We should advertise.
RRB: Well, not if that costs money, it would reduce the amount we send to the people for that budget gap. Maybe we can start the ball rolling by making a few calls and let word of mouth do the advertising. If we can get a couple of rich folks into a bidding war against each other, this seat will skyrocket. The people deserve the most I can raise for them.
(Assistant) Can’t argue with that. Let me make some calls.
RBB: Call up some of his friends and co-workers: I bet they’d like to buy it and surprise him with it or something. Hey, while I got you on the phone, what about the Tribune thing?
(Assistant) They are being sticklers about the issue: they say the boy can’t throw the Sunday edition far enough to hit the front door stoop, you’re going to have to walk out there and pick it up off the walk like everybody else does.
RBB: Oh darn, when he does that, the sudoku puzzle gets all soggy in bad weather. Patti loves to do those while I take my morning run. Do you think if they made the paper lighter, the kid could throw it a little farther?
(Assistant) Like what, you mean, leave parts of it out?
RBB: Why not? I don’t really need the editorials or the sports sections, I already know everybody loves me..
RBB: …and I know everything about the Cubs…
(Voice of Gubernatorial Spouse A in background): Great idea, we don’t need the (redacted) Cubs scores, we get ‘em on the radio, and get rid of that editorial (redacted), I just want my sudoku puzzle!
RBB: Ain’t she a treasure? (yelling) Thanks, Hon! (quietly) See, I think that’s a compromise we can all (redacted) live with.
(Assistant) I’ll get right on it, may have to go over the circulation manager’s head tho’.
RBB: Whatever you do, be sure to always be polite and gracious about it, and be diplomatic: that’s what I learned from my years as a politician.
(Assistant) I’ll just ask myself, “what would the boss do in this situation”, and I know it will be the right thing.
RBB: You’re too kind. Stick with me, and great things will come your way.
(end of recording 534)
*-according to Rod Blagojevich and Ed Genson
* This is a fresh Blagojevich/Burris open thread. Don’t go over the top and get all goofy, since I won’t be monitoring the thread very closely. Thanks.