The Rauner Superstars announced today that Ron Gidwitz has been traded to Joe Walsh’s hypothetical U.S. Senate campaign for two 20-year-old poly sci majors at NIU (prospects) just before the trade deadline.
I wish it was my victory they were celebrating. Mmm, maybe I do a ‘House of Cards’ thing. I start by saying mean things about Senator Kirk until he steps aside. I count on Schock to self destruct, prod Bruce into a debilitating stalemate. They will beg me to take high office. A few more machinations and these people will be cheering for President Ron Godwitz.
Why? Because you need Rauner, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That’s why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a State to run.
“oh, Gawwwd, but I hate these things. So plebeian. Oh, well, since I was responsible for the victory. I suppose I must show my magnificent face to these…these…people. But it IS so inconvenient….(sniff)