Actual blow-by-blow coverage of the Tribune debate between Bruce “The Champ” Rauner and Jeanne “The Killer” Ives:
“And a left and a right and a right jab that’s taken the Champ’s shoulder off. And here’s the Killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there’s a gaping hole right through the Champ’s body now.
And now the Killer’s working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head’s coming loose. The Champ must try and keep his head on. The Killer’s kicked him in the groin and he’s bitten half his left buttock off and the referee’s stepped in with a warning there. What a plucky fighter this Champ is. He’s fighting as well as I’ve ever seen him. Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now. It’s everywhere. Certainly those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money’s worth. They’re covered in it.
And his head’s off! His head that’s come off in so many fights is off in the thirty-first second. It’s rolled away down to the left … but what’s happening? The Killer’s being talked to by the referee. There’s the Champ … plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent. And the Killer has been disqualified. She’s been disqualfied … this great fighter who has killed more than twenty people in her career has at last been defeated by this courageous headless little southpaw from Winnetka. And there’s a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new Illinois Republican Champion. What a pity the rest of his body wasn’t there to see it.”